OBLIQUITY

2005-07-20T07:19:00.000-06:00

~~VIAGRA~~ HOUSTON, WE HAVE LIFT-OFF
Children, please point your browsers here. The drapes aren't up yet. There's paint to be splashed. I even think a hunky plumber is coming over to unclog my pipes.

I'm ~~deleterious~~ delirious.

2005-07-19T10:59:00.000-06:00

PLAYING WITH THE BIG BOYS
I have to say that even though I hear tons of complaints about Blogger, I have had relatively few problems with them over the past two years. Sure, there have been some outages and slow response times. But for someone who didn't know what they were doing when they started (and some would argue that is still the case), I have to say they made it easy to learn and explore the world of weblogs.

So today, for reasons still unclear to even me, I decided I wanted my own domain name. So I bit the bullet and signed up with DreamHost. In an ideal world I would have loved to have obliquity.com, but of course that was already long taken. So I had to settle for a variation on a theme--one that makes logical sense in the end.

Of course, now I feel as if I'm about to drown in a pool of newness. I received an e-mail stating it would be 2-3 days for the domain to be propagated. In the meantime, I'm starting to look into publishing tools. Frankly, I'm a bit apprehensive. I'm seriously wondering if I bit off more than I can chew.

Right now, I'm exploring WordPress. I'm hoping to find something that is relatively easy to set up and use. Any advice, tips or warnings would be greatly appreciated.

Which leads me to wonder: If you scream in cyberspace, does anyone hear you?

{Footnote: DreamHost is currently having an anniversary promotion. You can sign up for one year of hosting with your own registered domain for the price of $119.40. However, if you use the promotional code '777' on check-out, the year is yours for the price of $9.24. Now that's a sale.}

2005-07-18T11:03:00.000-06:00

CAMPING

Though Todd Graff's film took a beating (and some of it not undeserved) from the critics, I have to confess that I thoroughly enjoyed Camp the first time I saw it in a theatre. I rewatched it this weekend on DVD and probably enjoyed it even more the second time. Despite some obvious script flaws (incomplete story arcs, underdeveloped characters), the heart and message of the film shine brightly. The musical numbers are terrific, with a mix of standard show tunes and original compositions from Stephen Trask (Hedwig and the Angry Inch), Michael Gore (Fame) and Lynn Ahrens (Ragtime, Seussical the Musical). If you don't own the soundtrack, it's a must-have. I also have to confess to being completely won-over by the lead actors: Daniel Letterle and Joanna Chilcoat.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMM...
While doing some research this weekend, I came across an interesting abstract entitled 'Strange Customs, Familiar Lives: Homosexualities in Other Cultures' by Walter L. Williams and James D. Weinrich. One of the most interesting ideas in the piece was a contrasting of religious choice and sexual choice. To summarize:

The terms sexual orientation and sexual preference are sometimes used interchangeably and at other times hotly debated. When debated, it is usually over the issue of choice. Orientation is used more often by those who think there is little choice involved, and preference is used by those who think choice is important. The element of choice can be highlighted by comparing it with religion. At some level, people can choose to be Catholic, say, or Anglican, or Islamic, and a society can choose to make Catholicism or Anglicanism or Islam a state religion. Of course, most people choose to believe what the state has mandated. Of course, there is social value in announcing one's conformity in such a society, and in some sense there is a de facto enshrining of heterosexuality in modern Western societies as if it were the state sexual preference. Thomas Szasz (1970), for example, compares homosexuality and heresy, homosexuals in his view having the role of sexual heretics dissenting from the heterosexuality mandated by the state. This is an argument that helps fight antigay prejudice in a culture that takes religious pluralism seriously.

2005-07-15T10:39:00.000-06:00

FURTHER DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION: CASE #1279-05

Jessica Simpson.

Jessica Simpson is hellbent on destroying civilization as we know it. Her dumb blonde, big boobs schtick was funny for about 15 minutes (or 2/3 of an episode of 'Newlyweds'). Stinky butt, tuna, buffalo wings, sex kitten....ha ha, funny. Not.

At this point I could have just dismissed her as another of those mystifying cases of someone earning 'celebrity' for stirring someone's loins with a modicum of 'talent'. But, no. She wasn't satisfied with slaughtering Robbie Williams beautiful 'Angels'. MTV and her idiotic ABC variety specials didn't offer enough exposure for her heaving bosom. She just couldn't leave well-enough alone.

Which brings me to the travesty that is 'These Boots Are Made For Walking' and her upcoming role as Daisy Duke. Her obnoxious cover of Nancy Sinatra's camp classic is one of the worst recordings in the ~~anals~~ annals of music. What the hell is it? Between the breathy overly-enchanced vocals, the music is a polite mess. Willie Nelson, what the hell were you thinking? You might want to lay off the pot for a bit. Seriously, Dude. As bad as the song is, Americans have made it Ms. Simpson's highest debuting single ever. It's selling like ~~ho'cakes~~ hotcakes on iTunes. What the hell are you people hearing?

Now, I'm sure the prepubescent teen set is eating up her ridiculous video clip where she wears napkin-sized denim shorts with her ass cheeks popping out and apes none other than Paris Hilton's Carl's Jr. wash-the-car-in-my-bikini and her whole one piece of string from being a porn video vibe. I understand the whole red-blooded hormonal male Pavlovian response (and possible a few lipstick lesbians), but really. Sure, I guess she's attractive (if that's your thing). But honestly, her boobs don't sing people. Though, if they did it could possibly make the song sound better or at least make it more interesting than her uninspired cover.

Finally, don't get me started on her creepy, daughter-obsessed ex-minister father and her 'La La' can't-sing-live sister.

People, just say NO. Put down the drugs and turn off the radio and television.

Why couldn't Mr Cruise 'fall in love' with her and effectively end her career?

2005-07-13T12:37:00.000-06:00

ACCEPTANCE IS A WORD
This is a brief piece of an e-mail I recently received. It's been slightly altered to protect the identity of the author. It should also be noted that English is not his first language. But, the ideas and emotions are beyond any barrier of language:

'I never kissed a man, never have some contact with one, and sometimes I feel very sad, because, when you see all your friends dating and loving, well, than you feel very different. When your mother talks about girlfriends,(and your mind is very far from that, in boyfriends), than you realise that you will disappoint your parents, and that was really sad. But worse than that is when you know that your parents are completely anti-gay, and you feel so strange when they talk about gays, in a humiliating way, and you just have the sensation that you will explode and tell them that you are gay. Albert this is my life, everyday, but I'm accepting it better now, in January I tried suicide myself, but someone, perhaps God, don't let it happen. Now I'm glad for my life, this is me, and I will not change.'

I read the entire e-mail over and over. The honesty and pain was profound and palpable. While I realize this is one young person's experience, I think there are generalities that can be drawn that do nothing to distill the power of his words.

I know in my own personal experience--as much as I was worried about acceptance from my mom, family and friends that mattered to me--my first test of acceptance was with myself. I would venture to guess that for many LGBTQ people self-acceptance is one of the first and most difficult hurdles to overcome. With time and circumstance, I think for some youth the process of self-acceptance has become somewhat easier. Yet, for every boy or girl that has the freedom to proclaim their individuality and define their person in part by their sexuality, there are thousands of others who live in a constant state of fear and a bizarre self-torture.

Once you get past self-acceptance, then you have to start looking outward to those in your familial and social circle. For me, the most important person to tell was my mother. She was my sole parent growing up and as her firstborn, we've always had a very close bond. I think long before my own epiphany with self-acceptance, my mother had an instinct that I was gay. Telling her was one of the hardest and most freeing experiences of my life. Through tears and hugs, I was one of the lucky ones who still had their parent's love on the other side. My mom loves me unconditionally. She'll always be there for me--and I will always be here for her. Yet if you asked me if she 'understands' my homosexuality, I'd have to say no. That fact is a hard one to process. Acceptance is a funny thing. She accepts the fact I'm gay. I'm not sure she'll ever really understand my being gay. Sure, it's partly semantics. But at its root, it's a distinction that's much harder to express.

In my own case, there is this invisible wall that floats between my mom and me. It's not always there. But, it is there because of the simple fact that I'm gay. There are things, feelings, thoughts that I could never (or would never) be able to discuss with her. Is it my own cowardice? Is it my desire to shield her from the unknown? Truthfully, I know not the answers to those questions. The one thing I do know is that love can conquer many boundaries. Not everyone can physically cross those boundaries. But it is the hope of acceptance that moves us to want more--to be who we are.

As sad as part of the above e-mail makes me, there are parts that are like rays of light to a bigger truth. I am proud and happy for the writer. He is winning his battle with self-acceptance. He's finally made the realization that his life is worth more than any non-acceptance he might have to face. In him, I see and find hope.
-----------

[Footnote: Two things I want to make clear: 1) I'm not saying that non-GLBTQ youth don't each have a certain set of unique circumstances to overcome in their own journeys of self-acceptance; 2) Not every GLBTQ finds self-acceptance--and even if they do, they make the conscious decision to keep that knowledge to themselves or a private few.]

2005-07-12T05:25:00.000-06:00

THE WHITE HOUSE TOP 5
The hits, they just keep a comin'....

01. 'Wait (The Whisper Song) a/k/a 'The Plame Game'
Karl Rove f/ The Ying Yang Twins

02. 'Stand By Your Man (Even If You Look Like a Dumb-Ass Doing So)'
Scott McClellan

03. 'The Sup Sup Song (It's In His Kiss)' a/k/a 'The Abortion Song'
Alberto Gonzalez

04. 'I Am What I Am (Just Leave $250 on the Nightstand)'
Jeff Gannon/Guckert f/ Lil' Kim

05. 'The War Song (People Are Stupid)'
George W. Bush f/ Culture Club

Coming next week, Condoleeza Rice's stirring posthumous duet with R&B legend Luther Vandross: 'A (White) House Is Not A Home'

ENTERTAINING YOU
01. The nominees for the 57th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be announced Thursday morning at 5:39 a.m. PDT in North Hollywood at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences headquarters. Reading this year's nominations are actors Michael Imperioli (The Sopranos) and Jami Gertz (Still Standing). The awards themselves will be handed out on September 18th at the Shrine Auditorium with live coverage on CBS.

02. Love and Other Disasters began filming in London on Monday. Written and directed by Alex Keshishian (Madonna: Truth or Dare) the romantic comedy revolves around a group of London friends who discover love plays out not quite like it does in the movies. To an announced cast of Brittany Murphy, Matthew Rhys, Catherine Tate and Santiago Cabrera, Keshishian has just filmed two cameos from friends Gwyneth Paltrow and Orlando Bloom.

03. From the 'Please Not Another Sequel' Department--Plans are in full force to deliver the following sequels to your local cineplex Hollow Man 2, Road House 2 and *ready for it* I Know What You Did Last Summer 3. Can Freddy Got Fingered 2 be far behind? Ugh.

04. Songstress Sheryl Crow has signed a deal with Dell Computer to promote her upcoming (as-yet-untitled) album due to be released on September 27th on A&M. The television campaign in entitled 'Good Is Good' (which happens to be the first single from Ms. Crow's project.

2005-07-11T03:59:00.000-06:00

I CLOSE MY EYES
The room is so quiet that I can literally hear the seconds ticking off the clock. For a moment, I watch the second hand do its sweep in that herky-jerky dance it loves. As if for a millisecond, it considers saying to hell with convention and debates going in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, it never does.

My thumb rubs across the bottom of my chin and feels the bristly stubble of an unshaven day. My index finger absentmindedly glides across my upper lip. For some reason, it's a small measure of comfort--a strange security. I look down at the empty paper. I've had my Moleskine open for what seems hours. If you look closely, you can see minute pricks of ink where my pen touched on its surface with a thought only to be lifted away repeatedly. Every thought that races through my cloudy mind is eventually derailed by the elegantly trussed cobwebs of memory blocking the tunnel to daylight. It's like a springy net. The thoughts slam into it and bounce back into the deep recesses of darkness. But, the cobwebs, they remain perfectly intact.

I sigh and exhale in half-time. I lean back in the chair and let my body purposefully slump down. I put the pen on the desk and pull the elastic band around the Moleskine. My head goes back against the neck rest. I close my eyes.

In the background, Patti LaBelle & Elton John belt out 'Your Song'. It's a little bit funny this feeling inside... Don't you know it, Elton. I know it's not much but it's the best I can do... Sing it, Patti.

My shoe scuffs against the tile to the beat of the music. My fingertips gently press against my upper eyelids. Eyes still closed, I smile at that thought that's wedged in my cerebral cortex. It won't see the light of day for now. It's going to be selfish and keep itself...at least for the moment.

I hope you don't mind...

2005-07-08T06:53:00.000-06:00

THE HOT LIST
01. AngryBlackBitch: First, I have to thank hottie Homer for turning me on to one of the wittiest, funniest blogs I've come across in some time. I am telling--nay demanding--that you go read this woman's brilliance. If you're smart she'll end up on your MUST-READ list. Fierce, insightful, outspoken and so money, I loves me some AngryBlackBitch.

02. Sure, he's my Editor over at Subter.com, but I have to say this would make my Hot List even if I wasn't making his spleen burst with my late deadlines. Mr. P. Bradley Robb writes a sublime piece on the media, Judith Miller and bloggers entitled 'The Media Is Dead. Long Live the Media.' over on Subter.com's blog called subTEXTS.

03. Transamerica: Not scheduled to open until December 2005, I'm telling you now that Felicity Huffman's performance is an utter knock-out in this indie film to be distributed by The Weinstein Co.. I'm talking Oscar nomination good. Huffman plays a character curiously named Bree, who happens to be a born-again Christian and a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual in this film written and directed by Duncan Tucker. This will be one of the standout performances of 2005.

04. Juice Beauty Green Apple Peel: First, I love Juice Beauty products because they're organic. Secondly, every skin type male or female needs a hydroxy-acid peel now and again. This new peel from their Green Apple Collection uses apple and lemon juices with a host of antioxidents and essential nutrients for a true in-home spa experience.

05. Mr. Charles Dera:

2005-07-07T03:33:00.000-06:00

MISCELLANEA
01. FREE Judith Miller!
02. Lil' Kim goes to prison. Something tells me she won't get an 'Apprentice' knock-off out of the deal.
03. GWB crashes on a bike....again. Maybe those training wheels need to go back on?

04. Kelly Monaco & Alec Mazo deservedly win Dancing With the Stars inaugural competition after a free dance that scored a perfect 30 points..
05. I know it's sad, but I'm looking forward to Big Brother 6.
06. Cable news networks: I used to be a great fan of CNN. Now, I just avoid all of them.
07. AI season four runner-up, Bo Bice has recorded a duet with Carlos Santana for an upcoming Santana album (September).
08. London becomes the first world city to host three Summer Olympic Games (1908, 1948, 2012).
09. San Francisco Chronicle: the circumcision debate.
10. Free your mind.

2005-07-06T04:47:00.000-06:00

LIFE'S A BOWL OF FRUIT

Lately, I've become annoyed with a disconcerting trend. I keep finding myself entertaining homosexual thoughts about straight men. By homosexual thoughts, I'm not necessarily meaning sexual thoughts (not that I discount that fancy completely). I think the thing that is really bothering me is that I can find more straight men who share common interests than I can gay men.

Now before I proceed, I feel I should address what is commonly referred to as a BIG GAY MYTH. That being, that all homosexual men are sexually interested in heterosexual men. Contrary to what you've heard on the streets, this is not true. (Okay. Actually for a segment of the indicated population, it is true. But there are some weird sports-identified and/or self-indulgent fantasy components to this that we shall address at some other time.) I think I'm being sarcastic about that last part.

Next, it's time for a true-confessions moment: I, myself, have been sexually involved with a straight man before. Okay, two straight men. Bitches, you just had to yank it out of me! (Note to Self: You're really making this way too easy.) Yeah, I know there are so many things wrong with that confession. But look damn it, we all make mistakes. Besides, I can honestly say I'm gay. They still say they're straight, but whatever.

Now that I've confused everyone, let me continue with my original discourse. This whole romanticization of the straight man thing can be read a couple of ways. It depends on whether I approach it from a purely psychological perspective or more of an emotional, gut-level response. (I bet you thought I was about to spill my fucked-up brains all over this page, didn't you? That's not scheduled until sweeps week. Stay tuned.) But, the truth of the matter is that it's merely and indication of where I'm at in this point of time.

I've finally left behind a lot of excess baggage in the form of unresolved conflicts, unrealized emotions, and a heaping dose (or two) of heart ache. The truth is I think about a lot of men in the romantic--and I do mean romantic as opposed to sexual--sense. It's time for me to find someone to start new adventures in friendship and les liaisons dangereuses with. It's time to start finding out what I have to share with someone and vice versa.

Now before every gay men I know starts worrying that I'm going to start rubbing up against them. Let me assure you that this won't happen ~~at least not until a week or so from now~~. So, yeah. Life is a big bowl of fruit and this fruit is ready to commingle. Ooh, that sounded....ripe, didn't it?

2005-07-05T05:51:00.000-06:00

I CAN LOVE YOU 'TIL FOREVER...OR AT LEAST MONDAY
Though it's only been three days, this holiday weekend has seemed to drag on for a week. Not that I complaining, mind you. But for some inexplicable reason, my internal body clock gets thrown for a major loop. All day Monday has felt like Sunday. One in the afternoon feels like nine in the evening. It's strange how out of tune your body gets when you don't follow a prescribed (or at least semi-static) schedule. Nonetheless, I hope everyone had a good holiday and that everyone still has all of their appendages in tact.

As for me, I went the overindulgence route on everything: sun, food, sleep, guywatching, movies, keeping cool, etc. Now it's Tuesday and my body still somewhere in Saturday night. There really should be laws against such things.

My house is about ten miles from Elephant Butte Lake. One of the few lakes (and the largest one) in New Mexico, Elephant Butte was the fifth largest manmade lake in the U.S. when it was finished in the early 1900's. Formed by the damming of the Rio Grande River, Elephant Butte Lake got its name from a dormant volcano cone that forms an island in the lake's center that has the uncanny shape of an elephant. (Gee, I suddenly feel like I'm giving a history lesson.) The point of all this is that during the summer months and particularly holiday weekends, the size of our town suddenly blossoms exponentially with the overflow of lake visitors. It can make for interesting times in a town that is normally just over 7,000 in population.

A lot of times, it will mean that I'll get to see friends from college or other states that are spending long weekends nearby. This holiday, I was left guestless. So left to my own devices, I did awful and shameful things like:

--eat an entire jar of manzanilla olives with a pair of chopsticks
--watch 'The Machinist', '24th Day' and 'We Don't Live Here Anymore' on DVD
--had a play date with my kitty
--went ~~man~~ grocery shopping
--avoided (for the most part) 'accidentally' running my cart into single men wearing shorts and exposing tanned gams
--worked on a couple of writing projects
--did some serious magazine reading
--avoided the sun (and heat) to the best of my ability

All in all, it was a string of days filled with languorously listless lollygagging. (Today's entry brought to you by: alliteration)

INTERESTING READS
01. The New York Times: Benedict Carey:
'Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited'
02. The New York Times: Todd S. Purdum:
'Presidents, Picking Justices, Can Have Backfires'
03. Editor & Publisher: E&P Staff:
'For July 4: Three Editorial Pages, Three Views of War'

A MEANS TO A MURDER?
The following is the beginning of a story that's been fermenting on my brain for the past several weeks. It's a bit darker and moodier than my normal fare. The seeds of an idea are germinating, and yet, I'm not quite sure what it is and where it's headed at this state. I'm assuming at this point it will be a short story. But, who knows?

Anyhow, I thought it might be interesting to start fleshing it out on my blog and see what happens to it. There may yet be a pay-off for someone in the end. I'll be revisiting this story over the next several months and I will keep the sections linked together for those of you who want to follow along.

We'll just call it an 'experiment' and see which of us is injured first.
==========

His head exploded.

All of the thoughts that had lined up against the hall of mirrors that bisected his brain began to hit one another. Shards of glass, at once brilliant and frightening, were flying around in his skull waiting to pierce any little thought that dare get in the way. He felt his body fall backwards and yet not hit the ground. The force slung him against the semi-erect chain link fence that separated the parking area from the abandoned warehouse in the background. He wasn't sure if his eyes were opened or closed. Yet, flashes of light exploded in his mind's eye. His hand had instinctively reached toward his stomach. A warm flow of hot liquid seeped between his spread fingers.

His body gave a slight lurch as it slammed into the fence and slightly rebounded falling further down the incline. To the birds flying overhead, his figure cut the ghoulish specter of a half-fallen scarecrow who had seen his better days in some sunny cornfield. In this darkened, empty city block, the last sound he would remember over the cacophony of whizzing bullets were the footsteps that calmly traced their way back to the car and the familiar hum of the car's engine.

It was all about to end--here. Here, wherever he was feeling the fire of life drain out of him. A guttural, gurgling sound was the last to escape from his vocal chords. The shards of mirror all crashed to the floor of his skull. The sparkling glints intensified and then began to flit out like fireflies escaping from a jar on a hot and humid evening.

The light was extinguished.

HAPPY BLOG-A-VERSARY
Today, Obliquity is officially TWO years old. A lot has transpired in two years. But, constants remain and I hope the sentiment contained in what follows still resonates here. Here is a copy of the very first post to grace this weblog:

IT BEGINS...
Welcome to this place...this space. A cursory glance often leads us to look at things in a narrow field of vision. We are too readily satisfied to accept anything at face value. We live in a World of three dimensions and usually see things in two. Obscuring our judgement is the lack of angles. We live in a place where it is too easy to see the black and white of an object, but never the greyscale. The greyscales that defy the logic of our labels. We are attracted to the the polar ends of any spectrum, where the labels are easy to define--and the small print is never read. Everything and everyone must have a safe cubby hole in our "perfect" Universe. Sorting people and things--ideas and opinions--into well-defined cubbyholes is safe. It's comfortable and familiar. But, square pegs never fit in round holes. We all have our own unique angles. We don't fit into the same holes. If we did, what a lackluster World we would live in. I'm always searching and exploring my angles. I hope you do as well.

To all my readers and friends, thank you for enriching my life. I am humbled by your gifts. xox A.

2005-07-01T06:39:00.000-06:00

FRIDAY FREE-FOR-ALL
01. Happy July 1st! Is it just me or does this year seem to be flying by?

02. Back in 2000, I came across a great indie album by Canadian Daniel Powter called 'I'm Your Betty'. He's a terrific singer/songwriter and I'd wondered what had happened to him. Turns out, his major label debut will be released August 23rd on a Warner Bros. label with production by Mitchell Froom. The eponymous disc was released in France and several other European countries earlier this year and you can get a sneak preview on a four-song EP entitled 'Free Loop' (which is available on iTunes). The first single to be released is 'Bad Day'. I haven't taken the EP off repeat since I got it. His music is hook-filled and melodic, but pay special attention to the lyrics. Great stuff.

03. Despite my better intentions, I've been hooked on ABC's 'Dancing With the (Questionable) Stars'. While the judges have made it evident that they favor John O'Hurley and Charlotte Jorgensen, I'm going to have to say I like Kelly Monaco and Alec Mazo much more.

04. If you have a taste for the sour in life, might I highly recommend Altoids Apple Sour Chewing Gum. It's pucker-licious.

05. Beauty Product of the Week: C.O. Bigelow's Fruit Extract Body Scrub. Quince and mango make for a delight and helping someone scrub their back could be fun.

BEACON
open your tired eyes
let the colors mesmerize
falling from grace
doesn't qualify the race
when you're inside-out
let me salve that doubt
i'll never let you lose the way
i'll be here to save any day
despite what they say
i'll love you anyway
---arg, 07.01.05

2005-06-29T05:19:00.000-06:00

SINS OF THY FATHER
My mother allegedly had sex when she was twenty-three with the man who is my biological father. I suppose the mere fact that he had something to do with my eventual existence is somewhat notable. Beyond this act, my relationship with the man that sired me has been less than ideal. My parents were divorced by the time I was five. From that time until I was around sixteen, I had one of those 'occasional visit/two-week summer vacation' type fathers. The kind of father who somehow felt gifts were a stand-in for love. During that time, my discontent and eventual loathing of my father festered like an invisible splinter in your thumb. There were things and actions on my father's part that were inexcusable in my eyes. I think in his eyes I was a disappointment because I was not going to grow up with his inculcated and unwarranted machismo. Maybe it's a Latin thing, maybe it's just a stupid thing. But by sixteen, it was starting to be obvious to me (and perhaps others) that I was going to be a maricón.

One day while having a telephone conversation with him, something in me snapped. I can't tell you what specific thing it was--something said or heard--but it uncorked a torrent of things I'd wanted to say for a very long time. Before that call was over, I knew that it would most likely be the very last time I would ever speak to my father. It's been a curious tight rope walk. My sister (and her two children) still have a relationship with him. I, of course, would never do or say anything to in any way affect that relationship. He remembers their birthdays and Christmas and occasionally visits with them. Meanwhile, I just politely disconnect.

I realize in writing this I may end up sounding like a cold-hearted bastard. I would argue that in many ways, it's the exact opposite. I feel too much with my heart. I remember things from my early childhood. I know things that maybe I shouldn't. It's difficult to articulate these without feeling like I'm bleeding across your monitor.

The reason I even visit any of this is because I was recently thinking about some of the things my father impressed upon me (whether he knew it or not). Some of these things may sound silly in hindsight, but believe me when I say they left fingerprints that lingered well-beyond my formative years.

I'm not much of an imbiber of alcoholic beverages. That's not to say that I don't enjoy an occasional cocktail. But, I honestly can only recall being what I consider 'drunk' one time in my life. In college, the whole alcohol thing became a dilemma for me. As is normal during that time, there were parties and nights out with friends. I never made a decision to not partake--but I was careful to moderate my intake. The one time I remember being drunk was during this time. I think in the back of my mind I was always fearful that I could be an alcoholic like my father. Whether that fear has any basis in reality is beside the point. The fact is I was terrified of becoming anything like the man who was my father. Even after college, I always wondered about the genetics involved. While I'm still not much of a drinker, I no longer have those fears. Somewhere along the way I learned that we are not destined to become the sins of our fathers.

Along with his alcoholism, my father possessed an all-consuming anger that tormented him. It, unfortunately, was also vented on the body of my mother. There are so many things to say about battered women and children who grow up in that environment. So many ways that bruises remain long after the blues and blacks have clotted away. However, I am determined to keep this introspection focused on me.

For many years, I had a gnawing trepidation when it came to my want (or lack thereof) of a family of my own. Again, part of this is an irrational fear. But for the longest time, I was convinced--or convinced myself--that I would never be a father. I didn't want to bring children into a kind of world that I grew up in. I didn't want to have such a glorious responsibility and screw it up royally. I now know that my own childhood--my own father--was the impetus for such fears. I can say I no longer have these either. I'm still not sure how I feel about the issue of children, but I don't outright discount it.

Finally, there is perhaps the most twisted artifact from my relationship with my father--and trust me when I tell you this is going to sound very weird. So weird, that I almost hesitate to share it. But, in the end, it was a truth that affected who I am today. When I first encountered my gay-self, I was always curious if I was gay because of my father. On one hand, I hated everything he came to represent in my life. So the knee-jerk reaction is to become the farthest thing away from him. Of course, this pseudo-logic falls apart when I realize that I am attracted to men. If men, as a generalization, are so horrible, why did I want to be with one. It was this circular argument that I fought with during my teen years. Silly thoughts like I wanted to be gay to spite him. I wanted to be gay so I could never have a family. I was gay because I lacked a father-figure. The litany is endless. Of course, it is also completely unfounded and irrational. Unfortunately, a teenage-mind doesn't always make the distinction. I am fine today with the self-awareness that I am gay because that was the way I was born (whether he had anything to do with it or not).

I think a recent discussion about Father's Day triggered all of these memories and thoughts. Now I can wryly smile at the absurdity entwined in my formative years. Yet, I do think they did all have one effect on me. They are pieces of my past that made me who I am today--my own man. A man who is responsible for his own mistakes. I do not use my father as a role model or an excuse for who I am today. If nothing else, my childhood and teen years spurred a desire in me to be accessible and open with a younger generation of boys and girls who are grappling with their identities--sexual or otherwise. One of the most rewarding things I do is volunteer my time and effort toward causes that help struggling and newly-out youth. I figure if I can help one person not feel the way I did, then maybe I will have done something good with the wreckage of my past.

I realize I may have left one or two thoughts hanging in this entry. I honestly had no intention of going in this direction when I sat down to write. Some of you may even be uncomfortable with my over-sharing. But, I only hope someone out there can see a part of their own story in mine. More than anything, take away the fact that we may not have had a say in where we came from or how we got here, but the path in front of you is one of your own architecture. Navigate with heart. Navigate freely. If for some unexplained reason you stray from the path you want, know that the power to correct your latitude and longitude rests inside of you.

2005-06-28T05:19:00.000-06:00

THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
like the colors in Macke's Lady in a Green Jacket
like the blood red flares of the Semper Augustus
like the reaching branches in Braque's Terrace of Hotel Mistral
you bring beauty

like the mounting clouds in van Ruisdael's Waterfall in Norway
like the insanity of Fuseli's crazed Lady Macbeth
like the uneasiness of de Kooning's Whose Name Was Writ in Water
you sideswipe me

like demons tormenting Schongauer's Saint Anthony
like the blowback of the ocean's mist on my face
like Torvill and Dean's exquisite Bolero
you take my breath
---arg, 06.28.05

2005-06-27T04:11:00.000-06:00

A FALAFEL & A SIDE-ORDER OF BABA GHANOUJ

I have a long-brewing secret crush on Parker Posey (Damn you! Billy Crudup). I also have an irrational love of the indie film 'Party Girl'. It certainly is not the best film ever made. It's not the most well-written film. But, it is a true guilty pleasure. Parker Posey's party girl/library clerk Mary has such an unbridled joie de vivre, it's hard not to fall for her exploits hook, line and sinker. Sure, there are some sub-plots that basically go nowhere. But at its heart, 'Party Girl' has spunk and pure joy. It brings a smile to my face every time I watch it (as I did this weekend). It also invariably makes me want to dance. The soundtrack is killer, the characters are all larger than life and don't even get me started on Mustafah.

He-He-Hello!

LOVE'S A BITCH

I also re-watched Alejandro González Iñárritu's masterpiece 'Amores Perros'. Each time I watch this movie I see and feel something new. It's almost impossible to even describe the plot without giving away too much information for a first-time viewer. Suffice to say that it a movie about love (in its many forms) and the crazy things it makes us do to one another. Filled with betrayals, consequences, and some of the most haunting metaphors on film, 'Amores Perros' is a must-see film. With knock-out performances from the three main characters--Emilio Echavarría, Gael García Bernal and Goya Toledo--this one will stay with you long after it's over. Guillermo Arriaga's script is a thing of beauty. I should warn you that a running visual metaphor through the movie involves the vicious 'sport' of dog fighting. Some of these scenes are incredibly disturbing--and yet serve the plot in numerous ways.

NOTES FROM A WEEKEND
01. This weekend I stayed in the air conditioned darkness as much as possible. It was a definite movie/video game weekend. I'm convinced that if you spend longer than five minutes in the hot sun outdoors, your hair will spontaneously combust.

02. As per rule #A756, subsection 21a of the 'Homosexual Code of Conduct', I ordered my Director's Cut of Michael Lucas' 'Dangerous Liaisons'. Somehow, I think Choderlos de Laclos would be amused (and with Gus Mattox, I certainly will be).

03. Chicago's Hearty Boys triumph in Food Network's 'The Next Food Network Star'. Congratulations to real-life and professional partners Dan Smith & Steve McDonagh who won the audience vote on last night's series finale. I was hoping the strapping Hans Rueffert would make the final two slots, but the Hearty Boys ended up facing-off with Deborah Fewell in dueling pilot shots.

04. Everyone should stop over at Twenty-something and wish Patrick a Happy Birthday. (While you're there, check out his terrific writing.)

05. After finally slogging through the entire Pride Issue of The Advocate (believe me it took several attempts), I'm seriously considering canceling my subscription. The cover story profile made me throw-up in my mouth a little.

06. Answer: Andrew Sullivan and Tom Cruise; Question: Who are gay men that have lost their minds?

2005-06-24T03:41:00.000-06:00

IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL
I've been trying desperately to stay away from discussing politics on my weblog. It's not because I'm not passionate about my beliefs and my extreme dissatisfaction with what is going on politically in the United States generally--and the rest of the World as well. Anyone who's read me for any length of time knows of my loathing of the current Bush Administration. Each day, the news just seems to get more depressing and dire. I keep thinking back to the last election and the way a majority of voters embraced Bush for a second term. I didn't understand it then--and I certainly don't understand it now. It's actually frightening to think of the gross misuse of political power that is happening all around us. Unfortunately, it seems most Americans are apathetic to the what is happening around them. I can only hope that eventually change will come.

Of late, I find myself dealing with my own personal disgust of 'compassionate conservatism' through humor. It's not like having a chuckle is going to solve the problems. But, it is the everyday mundane that provides a bit of fodder for a laugh and sometimes that is the best medicine. Some of that silliness has found its way onto this blog and it seems that like-minded individuals appreciate my craziness and drama now and again (if the notes and comments I receive are any indication). It seems more readers are coming to this place and spending some of their precious time visiting me. I've even had the opportunity to make some interesting contact with folks in the movie and publishing industry in the past few weeks through some of the things I've written. At times, I'm still amazed that the words I write (generally) sitting on my bed are viewed in so many different places and by such varied people.

When I first set out to attempt a blog nearly two years ago, I wasn't sure what I was doing. I wasn't sure exactly what direction I wanted to take, how much of myself to share, and exactly what of interest I would have to say. The truth is I still don't precisely know the answers to those questions. It's just been sort of an organic experience. Part of it has been a learning experience for me. Being gay and getting involved in the gay blogging community has provided me with resources, friends and a common experience that is far richer than anything I could have ever imagined. There's no denying that Obliquity has a gay sensibility to it. Yet, I'm always amazed and gratified when I get comments and e-mails from people of all walks of life who share a piece of themselves and see beyond the 'gay stuff' (for lack of a better term) and can relate to common human concerns and emotions. For as different as we all are from one another, there are things that we share--reflections of ourselves that we can find in others if we look hard enough.

In many ways, blogging is like looking at yourself in a mirror. Frankly, there are times when you don't like what you see. Other times, you can look in the mirror and laugh. It is all these different reflections that feed my desire to blog. It is also in some of these reflections that I hope you see parts of yourself or of the people and things around you.

Recently, I received one of the nicest and most sincere e-mails I've ever received from a young gentleman in Portugal. At the age of 20, R. is looking at the world around him and his place in it. He's looking for answers to questions. In the process of commenting on my writing, he made several personal statements about himself that really affected me. Without betraying too much of his confidence, I think it's safe to say, R. is embarking on that self-quest we all go through. To that end, he's examining his sexuality and trying to find answers about himself and others around him.

To think that in some small way, I wrote something that someone half-way around the world read and felt compelled to take the time to comment on and share of themselves is a very humbling thing. I'll be the first to admit I don't know all the answers. But, what I get from the interaction is the opportunity to share something unique--no matter how fleetingly--with someone I may never have otherwise met.

For me, part of this is an affirmation. Part of it is incredibly mind-blowing. But, mostly, it's a true gift undeserved. It's like Depeche Mode said 'People Are People' and what Walt Disney knew all along: It is a small world after all.

Wherever your Friday takes you, be safe--be happy.

HONESTLY, CAN THERE EVER REALLY BE TOO MUCH JAKE?

Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal

2005-06-22T13:39:00.000-06:00

ADVENTURES IN QUEERCASTING
Lately, I find myself more and more intrigued by the phenomenon that is podcasting. You can find podcasts on just about any subject that interests you. In hunting around, I've come across a few podcasters that bring a wonderful panache and personality to their output. You can clearly tell when someone has mastered a style and is comfortable in that role.

Recently, I've become a big fan of ArcherRadio. He has a wonderfully soothing and charming delivery. His flow of delivery and thought is spot-on. I really enjoy the wide array of topics he covers and the sense of humor that permeates his shows. Recently, he had two fellow gay bloggers on for impromptu phone interviews. First up was everyone's favorite archaeologist (and one of my secret internet crushes) Homer. Homer was interesting and completely engaging. More than anything, I appreciated his wry sense of humor. Today, I listened to Archerr's wide-ranging call with the ever so woofy Jimbo. Wide-ranging is perhaps a bit of an understatement as Jimbo was in a self-professed 'cracked out' state due to medications for a back injury. Nonetheless, Jimbo was charming and refreshingly honest. Archerr cues his interviews very well and Jimbo had no problem finding something to say. He was equal parts thought-provoking and humorously endearing.

If you've not experienced podcasting, I highly recommend that you check out ArcherRadio. My only warning is that you may find yourself curiously addicted. I certainly look forward to becoming a regular listener.

MISCELLANEA
01. Maybe it's Pumpkins nostalgia, but I'm thoroughly enjoying Billy Corgan's solo effort 'The Future Embrace'.

02. In some ways it's so retro and camp (and gay), yet I find myself hopelessly addicted to ABC's 'Dancing With the Stars'.

03. Early Viewer Advisory: Come July, be on the lookout for the inspiring and revealing documentary 'Murderball' at your local theatre. The profile of two teams of quadriplegics who play full-contact rugby is a truly remarkable piece of filmmaking.

04. For you American Idolaters, now that both versions of 'Inside Your Heaven' have been released, which do you prefer? There's no doubt Ms. Underwood has the soaring pipes and a bit of a country lean in her rendition. But, I'm finding myself preferring the more earthy, less bombastic version by Bo Bice. Of course, it goes without saying that I'll be purchasing both their debut albums.

05. The temperatures outside my door have tipped 100 for the past two days. The sizzle is definitely on.

06. This Just In: The fabulous Ellen DeGeneres has contacted me with the offer ~~to pose as~~ to be her husband for the next five years. If we can work out the intricate details (like whether I can call ~~her lover~~ dear friend Portia Mandy or not), I may be changing my last name.

2005-06-21T12:15:00.000-06:00

MADEMOISELLE LABELLE

Today Patti LaBelle's new album hits stores everywhere. If you do not pick up another album this week, you MUST pick 'Classic Moments' up. Ms. LaBelle brings her glorious pipes and diva attitude to kick the ass of a bunch of well-worn songs. When she wraps her multi-octave voice around lyrics that will be immediately familiar, it's like your hearing a song for the very first time. Along with duets with two other divas--Mary J. Blige & Elton John--the songs that stitch together to form 'Classic Moments' play like a soundtrack to your life and loves. Among my favorite cuts: ~~the Madonna cover~~ 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore, 'I Can't Make You Love Me', 'I Keep Forgetting', 'Your Song' and the killer 'You Gonna Make Me Love Somebody Else'.

THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH

Like this is the first time he's taken it in the face? Just saying.

IN DREAMS
I should preface this by saying that Mark Pellington's video for the Foo Fighters' 'Best Of You' is a remarkable piece of work. I've never really found anything particularly handsome in frontman Dave Grohl. Yet, there's something about this video. Maybe it's the way he ferociously attacks the lyrics, bearing his teeth. Or the way his lips bounce off the retro microphone. But, damn if I don't think he's hot all of a sudden.

Which brings me to my dream last night. I, Posterboy of Celibacy (POC)™, was in bed with the Foo Fighters. Yes, not just Grohl, but all four of them. Can I just say we weren't sleeping. Best of you, indeed.

Yes, I know he's a non-single Roman Catholic straight lad. A man can dream, can't he? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my butt pillow.

2005-06-20T14:31:00.000-06:00

SIGNS O' THE TIMES
* A gaggle of guys throw a frisbee.
* Sinewy musculature moves stealthily.
* Under a blanket of cinnamon-colored skin.
* A film of glistening perspiration shows.
* Like jewels on skin under the noonday sun.
* Blooming flowers leave a sweet trace of their breath in the moving air.
* Dogs and their people trot by.
* The mirth of children playing at a nearby park on a swing set echoes.
* Blades of grass reaching skyward yearning for the sun's kiss.
* Hearts singing with the birds.

MEMORABILIA
Picking at crusted scabs
Camouflaging a gaping wound
Perhaps you thought my heart made of stone
Truth is--it breaks like any bone

Maybe your act convinced me
That I wouldn't survive the fall
But blood does flow, time and flesh heal
Resolve and determination thrive and will reveal

So if you kept a bloodied souvenir
Part hubris, part twisted trophy
I hope you cherish your memento with pride
With emotion frayed and a decidedly thicker hide
Cliche it may be to you, I have survived

Putting your photos in the book of what was
Clearing the future for what will be
Empty photo corners looking for a snapshot
When time will be and you gracefully forgot
memorabilia and me
---arg, 06.20.05

2005-06-17T15:07:00.000-06:00

A LOST ART

When I first started collecting music, there were such things as vinyl singles and albums. Starting in high school, I quickly amassed a very large album collection, which was later replaced (for the most part) by compact discs. Suddenly, things like cover artwork, liner notes and lyrics became instant relics. After my CD collection went above 10,000, the next evolution took music digital. Today, I buy very few actual CDs. Instead, it is so much more convenient to hop on iTunes and pick up the new music I want after midnight on Tuesday. The trade-off for this convenience is the complete loss of album packaging. Some artists are now offering digital booklets, but they just aren't the same. Growing up, my bedroom walls were plastered with a constantly evolving rotation of placards of album covers I scrounged from music sellers. The album art told stories and reflected both the times and my personality.

Progress is a great thing. But sometimes, I miss my vinyl.

2005-06-17T09:45:00.000-06:00

IT BEGINS

Director Christopher Nolan's attempt to jumpstart the saga of Batman has flown into theaters across the country. The lucrative legend of Bruce Wayne was pronounced D.O.A. in 1997 as the dismal Batman & Robin limped onto screens. A once creative and visually spectacular franchise had become a shadow of itself and Hollywood wrapped crime scene tape around Joel Schumacher's critically savaged entry.

When Batman first appeared on the big screen with Tim Burton's vision in 1989, he would take global box offices hostage to the tune of $415 million. However, some argue that Warner Bros. (the studio that owns the franchise) was too interested in profits and less in artistic merit and integrity of their hot property. The result was a series of films that became more offensive to a rabid fan base and ultimately led to box office disappointment in relation to the ballooning budgets. After ruminating on a potential Batman v. Superman showdown, the project to rejuvenate Batman passed through several hands before finally ending up in Mr. Nolan's inbox.

The vision-and what a vision it is-that Christopher Nolan brings to the screen avoids the gothic tones of Burton's original and the camp of Schumacher's buddy picture. It's a decidedly dark insight into the very mind of Bruce Wayne. Nolan strives to answer the question of what would drive a young man to put on the famous costume and fight crime. It is the dissection of the Bat mythology that drives David Goyer's taut script. The result is a tale that follows a young Bruce Wayne and his training by a shadowy cabal and his arrival in Gotham to face villains the Scarecrow and Ra's al Ghul.

In the form of the extremely talented Christian Bale, they found the man who would become the legend. Bale's range in films as varied as American Psycho, The Machinist and Empire of the Sun has shown his ability to completely inhabit the character he must portray. To say Bale's suit fits like a glove is an understatement in many ways. Filling out the cast with a slate of notables that includes Ken Watanabe, Gary Oldman, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Katie Holmes, Michael Caine and Tom Wilkinson, Nolan had a team as creative as those who worked behind the cameras.

Over a 129-day shoot at a reported $150 million plus, Batman Begins was filmed on an intricate soundstage which took its look from the now defunct slums of Kowloon, Hong Kong. Everything associated with Batman was re-envisioned. The Batmobile, the Bat Suit, the Bat Cave all went through radical evolutions. The story concocted to explain the man behind the legend is well-thought and flawlessly executed. Most importantly, for all of its stunning visuals, Batman Begins is about the story and the characters. While its fun to learn and see the evolution of the suit and origin of the vehicle, there are surprising and rich revelations in the exposition. Among these is a definitive explanation regarding the fate of Bruce Wayne's parents.

The question director Christopher Nolan most dreads: 'The whole greatest American icon of the past 100 years, am I going to fuck it all up question.' The short and sweet is that Batman Begins delivers on every level. Nolan resuscitates the legend and Bale assumes the mantle (with an already signed three picture extension) flawlessly.

This is the first truly great film and story of 2005.

THE O-SPOT

Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal

2005-06-16T09:59:00.000-06:00

SIZZLING DAZE

I think it's safe to say Summer has exploded in full effect in the deserts of New Mexico. Typically, the hottest months of the year are July and August. Apparently, Mother Nature is in a hurry this year. Lest you think I'm complaining (and basically I am), the state is a truly beautiful place to live. It's just when you see the flares of heat radiating off sidewalks, a form of craziness seeps into your brain. Suddenly, the dividing line between things 'I should do' and things 'I could do' vaporizes.

Four walls suddenly seem akin to bars of a prison cage. The body craves water--both internally and externally. The pulses of heat from el Sol seduce your skin. I swear it's some mystical form of massage. The sun's fingers tantalizingly caress your skin, making you his mistress. Beads of sweat form along the ridge of your forehead. The skin becomes hot to the touch. All of sudden you really understand what being a cat on a hot tin roof means.

For you see, behind sunglasses used in the guise of hiding from the sun, eyes dart along the sightlines seeing pieces of uncovered flesh. Men doff their shirts. Flesh for fantasy. Summer is here. I close my eyes and I'm lost in conflicting choices, baking in the Land of Enchantment.

Wish you were here.

2005-06-14T06:21:00.000-06:00

CHAOS THEORY OR CHAOSTOMY?
--Michael Jackson & Britney Spears duet: 'I'm Not That Innocent...'.
--Destiny's Child to break up; Poor Beyoncé will be destitute.
--What do you mean there were two other girls in the group? The hell you say...
--Paris Hilton to retire. One gay parade and your 'career' is over. That's hot--or maybe not.
--Hell's Kitchen. Yes, Chef. *&$@ you, Chef.
--Being Bobby Brown. Who cares?
--Jimmy cracked corn. Whitney corned crack--and I still don't care.
--Federline spawn; i.e., The Seventh Seal; Call my lawyer to update will.
--Intel finally seduces Apple (not Gwyneth's daughter). Aside: Michael's waiting for her brother, Banana.
--Billy Chenowith flushes his meds. God-damn-it, I could have taken those!
--Katie Holmes-Cruise. Wait until Tom finds out she's not really related to John Holmes. Talk about your mission impossible.
--U.S. media leery of Downing Street Memo; Missing white girl at 10:00.
--Vice-President Dick says Gitmo policy correct; Daughter still not gay.
--This just in: Mary Cheney is actually Dick's son. Details on Access Hollywood.
--President Cheney says U.S. progress in Iraq on the upswing; Bush still not President.
--Over 1,039,000 U.S. citizens have HIV. Cheney to send gays to Gitmo; Straight people, not so much.
--Wal-Mart to stop selling VHS. Still to offer VD.
--Senate apologizes for lynching; Cheney to send blacks to Gitmo.
--Angelina Jolie-Pitt? Brad Pitt-Jolie? Tom Cruise-Pitt? Call my lawyer re: Cruise lawsuit.
--Madonna ashamed of 'Sex', the book. Guy Ritchie ashamed of 'sex', not the book.

*WARNING: The above is entirely satirical. My lawyer said so. Cynical Bastard.

IN OTHER NEWS
The heat is cooking my brain.

2005-06-13T02:47:00.000-06:00

ELKLAND

As someone who spent their formative years with a raging New Wave/Synth-Pop soundtrack always in the background, stumbling on the group Elkland is like finding a missing page from your mental scrapbook of memories. Growing up, I was enamored of the burgeoning post-punk electronic scene. The sounds of bands making a splash on the Brit-Pop scene--Joy Division, New Order, The Smiths, Pet Shop Boys, Human League--were music to my ears. Aside from having an unmistakable sound, it always seemed to me that such groups paid attention to things like lyrics and hooks.

In 2005, Elkland are doing their best to revisit the past and add their own spin on the electronic pop soundscape. The four-man band from Horseheads, New York have crafted a nearly perfect record with their debut album for Columbia Records. 'Golden' is filled with twelve tracks of pure electro-pop bliss. With frontman Jon Pierce's emotive voice wrapped in layers of vintage analog-synthesizers (Joel Tarpin) and old school drum machine loops, Adam Kessler (guitar) and Jesse Pierce (drums) add a forward looking edge to songs that have a definite nod to the past.

'Golden' is filled with gorgeous melodies and grand, memorable hooks. Listening to it, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. Yet, the construction of the songs and the musicianship keeps you in the here and now. Along with the recent resurgence of bands like New Order and Duran Duran, Elkland share a common aesthetic and add an impressive dose of originality. Songs like the driving 'Put Your Hand Over Mine' and the plaintive 'I Need You Tonight' bristle with an electricity and centered emotion that heralds a 'new' New Wave. Other stand-out cuts on 'Golden' include: 'Apart', 'Everytime You Tell Me That You Love Me', and 'We Share a Heart'

IGNORING THE RUBBER

The condom manufacturer Trojan recently commissioned a study done by the firm of StrategyOne to look at the current state of sexual health education and sexual health attitudes. The findings are both intriguing and disturbing. In their second annual online survey of 2,506 men and women aged 18-24, the 2005 Trojan Sexual Health Monitor found:

--75% of respondents said that a comprehensive sex education curriculum that includes messages about both safer sex and abstinence provides a solid foundation of crucial information about sex in everyday life and should continue to be taught in school

--79% (four in five) of those who received a comprehensive education say they learned useful information about sexually-transmitted diseases (STDs) and safer sex.

--43% (two in five) of those who received abstinence-only sex education say what they learned was useful.

--72% said that distributing condoms in schools helps promote safer sex for those who are sexually active.

--68% percent said they don't believe it encourages people to have more sex than if condoms weren't available.

--68% of respondents also support condom distribution in high school.

--81% of respondents support condom distribution in colleges and universities.

When the survey turned to statistics regarding oral sex, it found:

--41% of women said the main reason for not using a condom during oral sex was the taste

--47% of straight men don't think a condom is necessary for oral sex

--54% of straight men said it wouldn't have been as pleasurable

--30% of both women and straight men said they weren't worried about getting STDs from oral sex

--62% of gay men said they didn't want to taste the condom

--38% of gay men don't think a condom is necessary for oral sex

--58% of gay men said it wouldn't have been as pleasurable

Interestingly the study singled out data regarding Awareness v. Risks in relation to women:

--47% of women recognize they have a higher risk for contracting STDs (compared to 31% of men)

--But women are less concerned about their risks of contracting STDs and HIV/AIDS than men are (52 percent v. 57 percent)

--82% of women associate a risk of contracting an STD with oral sex

--Yet only 4% of women use a condom for oral sex

--87% of women have had sex without a condom; compared to 75% of straight men

--Only 36% of women always or often use a condom for penetrative sex.

The other area singled out by the study is the data of Awareness v. Risk for gay men:

--81% of gay men say they are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and HIV/AIDS

--45% of gay men believe oral sex carries a high risk, compared to 82% of women and 60% of straight men

--07% of gay men say they use a condom during oral sex

--97% of gay men who believe unprotected anal sex carries a high risk of HIV transmission

--51% of gay men who claim they always or often use a condom during anal sex.

--22% of gay men who say they never or rarely use a condom during anal sex.

22% is a frightening number as far as I am concerned. It seems that in the sub-group of women and gay men a similar--and alarming--disconnect exists between awareness of the risks of unprotected sex and the actions they take to protect themselves from STDs and HIV/AIDS.

(P.S. You can get a free sample of Trojan's Mint Tingle condom here.)

2005-06-10T04:27:00.000-06:00

INTERLAKEN DAYS
well-worn stitching
on a creased leather case
the stamps on your passport heart
inky mysteries of your past history
a traveling man from the start
it's not the time of arrival
but the goodbye of depart
that tickets your survival
every time you go
hearts pasted
on your valise
like the label from
Victoria-Jungfrau
one more souvenir
from close--
but not near
your heart
tschüss

--arg, 06.10.05

THE O-SPOT
It's going to be a scorcher! Take a dip and have a terrific weekend.

Mr. Rusty Joiner

2005-06-09T06:33:00.000-06:00

011101110110111101110111001000010000110100001010
Numbers tend to mark passages--be they of time or quantity. Yesterday, this weblog passed its 100,000th page view. On July 5th, this weblog will be two years-old. In August, I'll be forty years-old (and I haven't freaked out yet). I guess there is a truth to that old adage about time flying when you're having fun.

In the grand scheme of things, I realize 100,000 is not that impressive of a number in the blogosphere. Yet, I have to be candid and say that it is rather mind-boggling to me. When I started this little (vanity?) project, I'm not sure what my intentions were or what I expected to put into it or get from it. I hoped to be able to write/say something that people would find interesting or thought-provoking. Even though I am talkative and opinionated in the physical world, I wasn't so sure it would translate or function in the cyberworld. To my honest surprise, there was an audience for what I had to say and observe. Moreover, there were actually readers who came back. In that process, I had the privilege of getting to know some really wonderful fellow bloggers and readers. People who today I call friend. Talk about the proverbial icing on my cake.

Between all of the zeros and ones floating around in the cyberworld, there are some unique adventures and amazing people. All of you never fail to continually surprise me. I never fail to learn from you. So today, I want to say most sincerely: Thank you for stopping by--whether it's your first or fiftieth time.

(p.s. For the non-übergeeks out there, today's post title is binary code. Translated, the title reads: WOW!)

2005-06-08T05:15:00.000-06:00

MISCELLANEA
01. I watched the season premieres of Bravo's 'Blow Out' and 'Queer Eye'. I have to say even though Jonathan Antin has an ego the size of Beverly Hills, it's still a compelling watch (i.e. the equivalent of a television train wreck). The new assistant instantly capitalizes the 'g' in gay. The Fab 5 were getting a bit tired, but the revamp on the name and format of the show seems to have been beneficial. Carson Kressley and Thom Filicia still make me laugh out loud with their innuendo. Kyan Douglas just makes me.

02. Johnny Damon (of the Boston Red Sox) has to be the gayest straight man ever.

03. The final season of 'Six Feet Under' got underway with its usual eloquence and strong writing. The dialog on this show is akin to a classical musical composition. Several scenes stuck with me long after the show was over (Claire's slap; Brenda's 'my baby's leaking out of me' meltdown, the wedding video montage, et.al.). I think the Fishers are in for a very turbulent final year. I love Alan Ball, but I hate him for taking such compelling characters away from the viewers.

04. I'm entranced with Coldplay's 'X & Y'. Mark my words, 'What If' is going to be a major hit.

05. It was a busy day yesterday at the iTunes Store. Picked up albums from Coldplay, Kelly Osbourne, Black Eyed Peas, Marc Broussard, Shakira, The White Stripes, Tori Amos, Jack Johnson and a few singles. A good week for new music.

06. First, let us cast our eyes on the hunkiness that is Marc Broussard:

Second, you must buy/listen to/steal Mr. Broussard's debut CD 'Carencro'. The 22 year-old Louisiana native has an incredible husky baritone that just wraps around you like velvet blanket. 'Carencro' has a rootsy Alt-Country/Blues vibe to it and showcases Broussard's musical and writing talents. He co-wrote all twelve tracks on the album and there isn't a clunker in the bunch. Among my favorites: ' Rocksteady', 'The Beauty of Who You Are', 'The Wanderer' and 'Let Me Leave'.

07. I'm always amused at the internet searches that bring readers to this weblog. Now, aside from the obvious and usually weird sexual queries, it seems that many come to my site searching to find out if someone is gay or bisexual. I guess I'm honored that people think of Obliquity as some sort of clearinghouse for gay and bisexuals. But, honestly, we stopped issuing membership cards in 2003.

Now and then, I get a search engine query that scares me. Case in point, this morning while looking at my referer logs I found that someone reached this site by querying 'correlation or link homosexuality and pyromania'. Hmmm, I'm not really sure what to tell this reader. But, I'll try to find the data your looking for while I'm out starting my neighbor's house on fire. Deviants, I swear.

2005-06-07T04:25:00.000-06:00

SPECIMEN DAYS

In the stunning 'Specimen Days', author Michael Cunningham has taken all that is beautiful in the human spirit and melded a sort of ethereal love letter to author/poet Walt Whitman and the city of New York. As a fan of his previous works, I wondered--like many others--how Mr. Cunningham would follow up the magnificence that is his Pulitzer Prize-winning 'The Hours'. The short answer is brilliantly, thank you very much.

Taking a device used in 'The Hours', Cunningham has crafted a complex, layered triptych of stories, using recurring characters (a young boy, an older man and a young woman) in completely disparate times. In the course of the novel, the young and deformed boy will grow to be a terrorist and later a prophet; The older man a ghost, a business man and an artificial human; The weary woman from bride-to-be to an alien. To try and place a convenient genre descriptor on 'Specimen Days' would be doing a great disservice to rich tapestry the author has woven. Part mystery, part drama, part post-apocalyptic science-fiction, 'Specimen Days' relies on Walt Whitman and his familiar words to delicately lace together the fates of our main characters.

Consisting of three separate sections set in three vastly different linear time-periods (the height of the Industrial Revolution, a post-9/11 landscape still confronting terrorism and 150 years into an alien future), the richness of the characters and the haunting echo of their precarious situations is deftly and brilliantly fused by Mr. Cunningham. To give any more of the story away would be criminal. But it is safe to say, 'Specimen Days' will be unlike any other novel you will read this year.

I was fortunate enough to receive an advance copy and I'm currently reading it for a second time. 'Specimen Days' will haunt you and keep with you. In its themes of justice and beauty, the greatest specimen uncovered by Cunningham may be the capacity of the human soul--and its power to adapt.

'Specimen Days', published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux, hits bookstores and on-line sellers today. Give yourself a gift that will linger long after you turn the final page.

----------

Postscript: After the author's dedication to his mother, the following quote from Whitman appears:

'Fear not O Muse! truly new ways and days receive, surround you,
I candidly confess a queer, queer race, of novel fashion,
And yet the same old human race, the same within, without,
Faces and hearts the same, feelings the same, yearnings the same,
The same old love, beauty and use the same.---Walt Whitman

2005-06-06T05:19:00.000-06:00

IT'S ALL A QUESTION OF PROOF
'That which is proper to each thing is by nature best and most pleasant for each thing; for man, therefore, the life according to reason is best and pleasantest, since reason more than anything else is man.'
---Aristotle

The shortest distance between two points is not a straight line. Even though geometry proves that it is, my soul begs to differ. Sometimes space and time are concepts that just do not work in my universe--warped or not. There is a time when a sigh can speak louder than any words ever could. Desire does not like to play by the rules of any game. Some would call it infatuation. Some would call it lust. I call it whatever my head justifies.

There is a specific chill that wraps itself around the base of my spine. Its wispy tendrils swirl and snake around my vertebrae until they painfully pierce at my heart. It's a kind of chill that no blanket can warm. It's a shiver that blusters like a cloud of frozen breath. It's a chill that leads to the formation of bluish crystals on the outer rind of my heart. But, I fear not the freeze. For its only function is to push my blood with a renewed vigor.

With all apology to my cherished Euclid, the planes we exist on do indeed intersect. Yet, the line from point A to point B swerves out of control. The line is not taut. It wiggles like a slippery fish. I start pulling on my end of the imaginary string--point A--and hope that it leads to you at point B. The question is: will you feel the vibration? Can you understand the cryptic methods to my madness? Do my corollaries justify the theorem? Or should I spell it out mathematically?

Cryptically, he said: Angles can be bisected; My love is rarely dissected.

MONDAY IN 20 TRACKS
01. 'Chains of Love'--Erasure
02. 'Be Yourself'--Audioslave
03. 'If Tomorrow Never Comes'--Ronan Keating
04. 'Easy As Life (Mixshow Edit)--Deborah Cox
05. 'Alibi'--Bob Gentry
06. 'Soul Suckers'--Amos Lee
07. 'Sullen Girl'--Fiona Apple
08. 'Listen To Your Heart (Hardbounze Single Edit)--D.H.T.
09. 'The Trick Is to Keep Breathing'--Garbage
10. 'Ad Astra Per Aspera'--Acceptance
11. 'Little Bombs'--Aimee Mann
12. 'Forever Love (Digame)'--Anna Nalick
13. 'Trusted'--Ben Folds
14. 'All At Sea'--Jamie Cullum
15. 'Hold Me Now'--Johnny Logan
16. 'Shackles (Praise You)'--Mary Mary
17. 'We Love Your Apathy'--Skunk Anansie
18. 'We Are All On Drugs'--Weezer
19. 'The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine'--Spoon
20. 'Nothing'--Scott Fisher

QUOTE OF THE DAY
'In the summer, the song sings itself.'--William Carlos Williams

2005-06-03T14:31:00.000-06:00

SIGNS YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GETTING THAT RAISE
Performance (anxiety) evaluations strike fear in the hearts of mere mortals. The dread of being held up to some invisible (AOL) measuring stick. God knows the pressure I felt when the Ukrainian judge held up 4.8 score card the last time I had sex (in 1989)....

Wait, I was thinking of something entirely different. This is about job performance. No, not that kind of job you perverted sicko. (P.S. E-mail me at once. But, not if your last name is Hilton.)

Uh...what was I saying? Oh, these are comments left in job evaluation reports (and probably a sure sign said employee needs to start filling out applications post haste):
----------
* 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.'

* 'His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.'

* 'I would not allow this employee to breed.'

* 'This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.'

* 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.'

* 'When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.'

* 'He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.'

* 'This young lady has delusions of adequacy.'

* 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.'

* 'This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.'

* 'This employee should go far, and the sooner the better.'

* 'Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.'

* 'A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'

* 'He certainly takes a long time to make his point(less).'

* 'I would like to go hunting with him sometime.'

* 'He's been working with glue too much.'

* 'He has knack for making strangers immediately.'

* 'He brings a lot of joy (whenever he leaves the room).'

* 'When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.'

* 'If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.'

* 'A photographic memory--but with the cap over the lens.'

* 'A prime candidate for natural deselection.'

* 'Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'

* 'Gates are down; the lights are flashing/ but the train isn't coming.'

* 'Has 2 brains. One is lost. The other is out looking for it.'

* 'If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.'

* 'If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.'

* 'If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.'

* 'It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm.'

* 'One neuron short of a synapse.'

* 'Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.'

* 'Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes.'

* 'The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.'

IN GREAT COMPANY

Last night I watched 'In Good Company' again on DVD. I really liked the film the first time in theatres. On second view, I love the film. The screenplay is wickedly witty. The cast all give winning performances--particularly Dennis Quaid and Topher Grace. For the first time, I appreciated Scarlett Johansson's work. But, the biggest revelation is exactly how handsome and talented Topher Grace is. Previously he's always struck me as gangly and boyish. He's previous film work seemed unsophisticated. But something about his turn as Carter Duryea that puts him in the category of leading man.

It's a great film. If you haven't seen it, you really should.

2005-06-02T09:33:00.000-06:00

FORWARD, HO
"The critical ontology of ourselves has to be considered not, certainly, as a theory, a doctrine, nor even as a permanent body of knowledge that is accumulating; it has to be conceived as an attitude, an ethos, a philosophical life in which the critique of what we are is at one and the same time the historical analysis of the limits that are imposed on us and an experiment with the possibility of going beyond them."

---Michel Foucalt
----------

A series of completely unrelated events over the past couple of weeks has left me in one of 'those' moods. You know of what I speak. It's that moodiness and pathos that leads you to wonder if you'll ever really know what IT is all about? As for what my specific IT is--or yours for that matter--that's beside the point. It's all about a journey. Of course, that sounds like a load of psychoanalytical phooey. But, I am convinced Life is a journey of some kind. A fantastical trip to places unknown and without a clever road guide. Whether it be on a trajectory of self-love, purpose, self-hate, being--or ultimately an end--we are all travellers on unique, but similar, journeys. The one constant in my travel is trying to find my boundaries on that path. But along with boundaries, we must never forget to learn how to carve new arteries and find new detours and the courage to explore.

At age 39, I sometimes stop and look around me (looking behind I find is more a waste of time than anything). When I take that mental survey, my gaze is on my loved ones, on friends around me, and even strangers circling in elliptical orbits around me. Forget the song. The realization remains the same: When do I feel grown-up?

It seems like such a stupid question to ask in your head--much less out loud. Yes, I am physically mature, of fair intelligence and the owner of a fairly decent life up to this point. I interact with the people and world around me in a grown-up fashion (for the most part). I am an adult to onlookers. Yet, there's no getting around the fact that I am in part a fraud.

Inside, a healthy and inquisitive streak of childlike fascination and wonder pumps an oomph in my veins. There is a young boy that still lives--partly in the head, partly in the heart--an obscured existence in the man that is me. That secret me is a rush. It is rather like being perched at the edge of a precarious cliff and trying not fall. At the same time, you cannot resist the urge to get as close to the fall as possible. You never know what your missing just beyond your line of vision.

For every hard-earned life lesson I learn, thirteen more queries from a bottomless pool of questions bubble to the surface. For each person I befriend and grow to love in unique ways, there are those I never will. Swirling through this mystical process of being and wondering is always an undertow of uncertainty. It is this uncertainty that fuels me to move forward and scares the hell out me when I hesitate and linger.

No matter how methodical or planned out of a life you lead, the unexpected will always come calling. Good people die. Bad people succeed. Good and bad are always filtered through a lens that shows gradations. There is no such thing as good and bad, simply degrees. Shades of things that color our life. Some days are filled with accomplish- ment, others frustration. It is the ultimate game of chance. Yet, don't fool yourself. Chance always has a component that is under your control--whether you acknowledge it or not. Life may be game-like, but the rolls of the die are anything but play-acting. You and I have to find our limits and move on. We all must grow. But, grow how and where?

My preliminary conclusion is that I may never find that place where I feel grown-up. But, more importantly, I'm learning to be accepting of that. I am not a theory or doctrine. I am not an accumulation of solely knowledge and experiences. I am influenced and affected by people, events and ideas around me--both positively and negatively. I am finding my limits. I am defining my boundaries. I am pushing beyond them.

I am growing forward. Not up.

HOT OFF THE DIGITAL PRESSES

Issue No. 5 of my favorite webzine Subter.com is now available in cyberspace. Great content. Talented writers and artists. A total thumbs-up.

(DISCLAIMER: Of course, I am a contributer to said webzine. However, my ringing endorsement is only ever-so-slightly biased. Be sure to read my columns: 'The Scheduler' and 'Nitrocellulose & Camphor')

2005-06-01T11:13:00.000-06:00

THE HOT LIST

01. Bob Gentry: Read his blog. Listen to his music. Buy his album. It's all terrific. Among my favorite cuts: 'Too Fast', 'Upside Down', 'But I Do' and 'Foam'. (FYI: You can find Mr. Gentry's album on iTunes, CDBaby.com and his website.)

02. Philosophy's Extra Close Shave: For those of you like me who find shaving tedious, I highly recommend Philosophy's silicone shaving gel Razor Sharp. But the real secret weapon for a good shave has to be The Afterglow, a lactic acid based pre-shave skin treatment.

03. 'Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star': This autobiography and tell-all is an interesting look into one man's journey and the lessons of a life most of us can only imagine. While Rich Merritt's book is a tad overfilled at 500+ pages, the seeds of a wisdom hard-earned are definitely there. A fun, intriguing summer read.

04. Who Wants To Direct 'X-Men 3'?: After the director of the first two installments, Bryan Singer, dropped out to helm the revival of the 'Superman' franchise, Matthew Vaughn ('Layer Cake') has dropped out two months before production was to start in late July. Despite the press release from Fox, word has it Vaughn left due to those infamous 'creative differences' and troubling budget figures. With the original cast still in tact and a May 26, 2006 release date, a frantic search is on for a replacement director.

05. 'Dancing With The Stars': ABC's latest reality import kicks-off tonight. I've always loved the beauty of ballroom dancing, so I'm looking forward to it. (Even if I'm not sure what measuring stick ABC used to define 'star'.)

2005-05-31T04:05:00.000-06:00

YOUR METRO HAS CRASHED INTO MY HOMO
Someone has created a monster. An army of poseurs clinging to the label of 'metrosexual'. A hybrid experiment of Stepford husbands gone horribly wrong. Men--who despite their heterosexuality--are starting to jam gaydar signals around the world. They must be stopped. Their bastardization of high fashion, male cosmeceuticals and quality Italian footwear is no longer amusing. They must be killed.

Of course, I'm just kidding. I think.

From time to time, I have the opportunity to get together with a bunch (of predominantly male) ex-colleagues. It's a wonderful time of catching up on each other's lives and careers. It's also a time that reminds me of how glad I am to have made the major decision to leave said career. It's just over seven years since I left the glamorous life (Sheila E. anyone?) of government risk management. A few others have now moved on to different posts or entirely different careers. The people I keep in touch with are the core group that worked in my division--two females, five males. Of the eight of us, I was the only gay one (or at least the only one I know of). The women figured it out much earlier than the men (go figure). But eventually, the five guys either discovered or I told them I was gay. I'm sure you'll all be stunned to know that in many levels of the federal government, homosexuality is not something you go around announcing for a variety of reasons. To make a very long story short, I basically told the truth when someone was direct enough to ask.

Anyhow, I have many stories about each of the five guys and how they handled the news. I think a couple of them are still freaked out to this day (not that they'd ever admit it). One of my female colleagues and I had a running joke about how I was going to have an affair with her husband. All in all, over the years we all became great friends outside of the work environment.

I knew something was up when B. came into my office one day and wanted to know where he should go to have a manicure. Never mind the fact that he was one of the guys who used to give me a rash of shit about such things as manicures and facials. It was as I was telling him about the salon I went to, I realized something freaky was afoot. Later it became commonplace for all of us to have lunch discussions about the cut of a suit, a certain designer or eye creams. Now had I been evil, I could have lobbed all the teasing back into their court. For the most part, I started sharing my knowledge with them long before Carson Kressley rode his pink pony into town. You haven't lived until you take a straight guy shopping. Trust.

Now before anyone gets all bent out of shape, I do realize that I'm treading on the thin ice of stereotypes. Not all straight guys are hopeless lugs. Not all gay guys are into fashion and beauty. I can only say that I witnessed five straight men turn into veritable fashion plates (and it gave me no small amount of joy to think that I was responsible in part).

But now, the whole 'looking good, feeling good' mantra has become a mutant virus run amok in water supplies around the world. I can walk into a department store and see a man asking his wife if the slacks he's trying on make his ass look big. Two burly football player types are at the counter checking out Jean Paul Gaultier's male cosmetics line. My hair stylist is putting more foil on straight guy's heads than Reynolds puts in boxes for supermarket shelves. Skin care, which all smart woman have long been attuned to, is now becoming a very lucrative and competitive market for men. Companies are tripping over one another to market cosmeceuticals to men (and not just gay men). I'm all for personal improvement and looking out for number one, but when you guys start buying the shoes I want--well I'm sorry, but that's too much.

Of course, I'm writing this all with tongue in cheek. I say if it makes you look or feel good, all the better. However, if I ask you out on a date and your not gay, well it's not my fault.

You....you....metrosexuals.

----------

POSTSCRIPT NOTE:
While the preceding makes me sound like a vainglorious cliche (and I won't say that this is a completely unwarranted charge), I've always found it just as easy to embrace my feminine side, as it is my masculine side. I subscribe to most fashion magazines. I preach the necessity of male skin care. I love spa treatments. I love to shop. While I've never done drag, I have worn nail enamel, concealer and eye liner on occasion. I relish this freedom to experiment. But what's most important is to always be true to yourself and do things that make you feel good. So wherever you fall on the metrosexuality spectrum, enjoy and live. Life is way too short to take everything so seriously.

2005-05-29T07:09:00.000-06:00

DAYLIGHT APPROACHES

things always look different in the light

2005-05-28T07:01:00.000-06:00

HOLD ME IN YOUR ARMS
Further proof of my nerdity:

I was goofing around on iTunes and came across a sixteen-track greatest hits album from that cute red-headed Brit Rick Astley. Of course, I had to purchase it. For the past several hours, I've been either a) moving body parts that haven't moved in a while; b) singing ridiculously loud (and out of tune) or c) remembering when pop music was actually fun and singers really had voices.

Every weekend should have some Rick Astley in it. Dance, people. Dance.

2005-05-28T04:43:00.000-06:00

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME...
I believe that issue of masculinity and gay males is an interesting paradox. The intense pressure to identify and be typified by certain traits or characteristics comes not only from those outside the group, but those within as well. After all, what signals or denotes a man as being gay? Is it the way he looks? His percentage of body fat? His gym and exercise regimen? His love of show tunes? His use of drugs? The degree of "kink" that presents itself in his sexual expression or repression? His wardrobe? His like or dislike of certain sports? His fondness of dance? His preference for active or passive sexual roles?

While it is true that any one of the aforementioned could be a defining characteristic of a specific individual--taken as a whole, they say very little about the homosexual male (or any male) in general. Not only are such markers used by heterosexuals, but they are unfortunately used amongst ourselves and in the most over-broad fashion. Perhaps the oddest expression of this is found in the phrase 'straight-acting'. The mere fact that the root of the phrase is the word 'acting' should be enough discussion of that subject. Yet, it seems that gay males are entranced and entrenched in the absurdity of such a divining/dividing line on some imaginary scale of masculinity.

What is straight-acting? The desire to be straight--or at least pass for a straight man? The desire to emulate our heterosexual counterparts? Straight-acting.....as opposed to what? Gay-acting? When does being gay become too gay? Why is 'too gay' something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by? It all seems to be a mismatched attempt to struggle with a sense of the masculine (male) ideal. By virtue of our birth as males, certain things seem to be true. Whether an individual male is identified as heterosexual or homosexual, we are by definition of the masculine gender. To paraphrase, a penis is a penis is a penis. Aah, but what you do with it...There's the rub.

To me it seems that along with a penis, most males are born into a world/society/culture/family that begins at birth to form or teach us our gender role, a gender identity, and the traits or characteristics that such an identity should aspire to. Now granting that this overly simplistic view (and does not take into account how much of this gender role or identity is already intact at the time of birth), there is an inherent error in this egocentric view. To wit, that by virtue of only your genetic sex you happen to be assigned into a corresponding set of standards, ideals, and values. We begin to learn what it is to be a man (i.e. masculine) from birth. But along with each of our own individual genetic coding, we must come to assimilate our personality with both a culturally and socially acceptable role as a male in a small microcosm of a very large universe of possibility. One only has to look at the plethora of scientific research and data on cultural diversity and male/female hierarchies in other cultures and societies to see that there is more than one 'traditional' male role.

While it is not my intent to take off on a tangent of anthropological sociology, the reason I raise the issue is to point out that the role any male assumes is determined by many factors. As young boys, some of us are told that boys do not play with dolls or big boys don't cry and it is impossible to believe that such reinforcement does not influence a boy's sense of what is a masculine ideal. It also reinforces how he can attain respect and affection from his parents and/or peers when he can sense internally that those ideals do not fit who he is or wants to be.

So here we are. A group of men--male by anatomical definition, homosexual by sexual distinction--lost in a world of conflicting ideals of what it is to be masculine. Throw in things like metrosexuality, transvestism, ageism and a whole host of intangibles and your left with a real mess. The ultimate folly may be that the answer lies in the eyes of the beholder. Which begs the question: where does this notion of homosexuality as a sliding scale of masculinity vs. femininity come from in the first place?

2005-05-26T01:47:00.000-06:00

ALIAS: MICHAEL VAUGHN

Little did we know that four years ago 'Alias' referred not to Sydney Bristow and her penchant for disguises, but instead to her partner and paramour Michael Vaughn. Last night, with jaw on the floor, I surely witnessed what was the BEST season finale of a one hour drama in a year of very strong episodic television.

I've professed my adoration for Mr. J.J. Abrams several times before. But, I just can't lie anymore. I'm in love with Mr. Abrams--not only with his handsome exterior--but with his sick and twisted mind as well. In a season when the series changed its focus, Abrams managed to bring in new viewers (with help from his 'Lost') and keep the faithful coming back for more. Though there were a few early missteps, the season payoff was there in spades. Managing to bring the Rimbaldi mythology together with Derevko Dames (Isabella Rossellini, Sonia Braga, and Lena Olin) was a stroke of pure genius and a sinful catfight of historic proportions. Who knew divas were so dangerous?

Make no mistake, it was the last minutes in Santa Barbara that will be water cooler fodder for months to come. No, I'm not going to spoil it for those of you who have yet to watch it. I will only say that everything about the final scene was perfection: the music, the dialogue, the acting, the revelations, the fade out.

Now, if you'll pardon me. I'm going to go put my head into a pillow and scream.

(p.s. Bradley Cooper (Will Tippin) please come to my bedroom and comfort me. Stat.)

2005-05-25T09:05:00.000-06:00

THE PERSISTENCE OF MEMORY
The fire of breath travels down your neck. The brush of lips with a slight moistness sends an electric charge along your spine. Heat seeps through fingers touching warmed flesh. An ache of desire strengthens with heartbeats. The air in the room pulsates as oxygen to the brain seems deficient. Muscles move and react to familiar caresses. A concentrated silence is broken by slight gasps escaping pursed lips. A flourish of fingerprints leave tell-tale whispers of submission. Kisses leave secrets never to be said aloud. The intensity of concentration makes you crave exponentially. Passion tangles bodies askew in a blanket of lust. The merger of skin illuminates a stealth wantonness. Needs and wants commingle. Surreptitious glances betray eyes that mirror your hunger. You lose control of sound as fingertips are seared into sweated flesh. Anticipation throbs for that penultimate second when mortals are ever so briefly encapsulated in one. In the birth of dawn, colors are set free to fly.

2005-05-24T06:27:00.000-06:00

DID WE SLEEP TOGETHER?
Last night, I was in bed with a pile of magazines catching up on my backlog. I came across a small blurb in the June 2005 issue of Men's Health that gave me pause. It involved a study conducted by James Moody, Ph.D. on the sexual habits of modern teenagers.

Ohio State University followed the sexual networks of 822 sexually active midwestern high school students for a period of eighteen months. The study found that sexually active students were linked together in a chainlike sequence. In one instance, 288 students were linked through sexual partners in a single chain.

I guess Bob Dylan was on to something when he said 'for the times they are a-changin'. It's astonishing to think that I never even had sex in high school and now so many young people are sexually active at an increasing rate and at an earlier age. The scariest thought of all is that these very students (for the most part) are not being educated about safe sex and their responsibilities in being sexually active.

WORDS TO PONDER
I came across an interview in The Advocate with Michael Cunningham promoting his latest book 'Specimen Days'. It was an interesting read and I look forward to reading what should be a challenging book (to say the very least). But, I was struck by the profundity of his answer to the question: 'What do you most want say?'

'The most effective political act for any gay man or lesbian, especially if you lead a public life, is to be completely open. Although, as a gay writer, I refuse to participate in a system that requires me to write only about gay people, the one obligation that I will more than happily meet is to never be discreet, to never let that book club in the Midwest imagine that I have anything to hide.'

UNDONE: EPILOGUE--THE SECOND MOVEMENT
I knew from the first moment I laid eyes on him. He would eventually lead to my undoing. It's so strange that I could stand there in that moment of time and know that what I was about to do would spell the end of my life as I knew it. Yet, it was a type of sublime intoxication. The kind where you misplace your inhibition while checking your better judgment at the front door. I lie to myself and negotiate with my conscience taken hostage that I can handle the situation about to unfold. What is now clear is that hindsight always manages to bite you in the ass. I knew that in the space of minutes and hours of that day I was never going to be able to regain my composure. In a strange way, I do not regret my action. For it was as my life was coming undone, I was finally able to make peace with my inner self. The me from which I had run from for far too long. It is this time that I wish to document--so that I never forget one truly frightening and glorious second of it. It is with this intent that I now set to paper the events and observations--at least my version--of the worst and best year of my life. For in the end, it is my story.

2005-05-23T05:35:00.000-06:00

MISCELLANEA
01. I knew someone was going to die during the season finale of 'Desperate Housewives', but WHOA! That is not who I expected. There were some very surprising developments on Wisteria Lane last night. Bravo, Marc Cherry!

02. I had started to suspect that 'Grey's Anatomy' was heading where it went for its season finale two or three episodes ago. Some things are just too good to be true.

03. More 'Anatomy': Though Justin Chambers is the model in residence, I think T.R. Knight is adorable as the fumbling Dr. O'Malley. I also think Chandra Wilson's Dr. Bailey is one of the funniest characters on television today. It's also interesting that both actors bring substantial theater credentials to their respective roles. Knight has appeared in 'Amadeus', 'Ah, Wilderness!', 'Scattergood', 'Tartuffe' and 'Noises Off'. Ms. Wilson is fresh from 'Caroline, or Change' and has appeared in 'The Good Times Are Killing Me', 'Little Shop of Horrors', 'On the Town' and 'The Family of Mann'.

04. I've done needlepoint for a few years now. I find it to be an extremely relaxing and stress reducing hobby. Now I'm trying to teach myself to knit. After three false starts, I've got about two feet of a scarf done. I'll have to get out my camera and do some show and tell.

05. Def Leppard's 'Pyromania' was released the year I graduated from high school. (I need to update my will.) I never really got into the whole hair band craze as I was definitely a New Wave boy. But I have to admit that despite their hair and over-the-top excesses, I always did enjoy their music. This weekend I have listened to 'Rock of Ages: The Definitive Collection' more times than I can count. Some of those songs bring back so many memories. Like the time I was in O'Reilley's Pub and 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' prompted a group of us to....uh, nevermind.

06. I wanted to say 'Thanks' for all the feedback I received on my rumination about 'wanting'. It was one of those entries that just came out by itself with no forethought. Most of you 'got it' or provided an interesting counterpoint. A couple of you took me to task. But nonetheless, I think it's fair to say that many bloggers set out to provoke a thought or an emotion. From time to time (oh who am I kidding?), those things I should probably keep in my head find their way into this cyberplace. My only defense: It's all who and what I am. That said, whether agreement or disagreement, the fact that some of you take the time to leave a comment or drop an e-mail serves a far greater purpose (than stroking my ego). Not only does it give me avenues for tangential thought, it provides a small glimpse of the people who choose to read these words. That, my friends, is what I call a gift.

07. Ugh! I think I'd better quit while I'm ahead or I'll end up crying like Ty Pennington's bitch (insert your own mental image) on an episode of 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition'.

ALTAR BOYZ

Earlier this month, the original cast recording of 'Altar Boyz' became available on Sh-K-Boom Records (also available for download on iTunes). 'Altar Boyz' is a hilarious musical comedy that is currently playing Off-Broadway at Dodger Stages. Telling the tale of five small-town boys--Matthew, Mark, Luke, Juan and Abraham--who form a Christian boy-band, the original songs are beyond funny. Such gems as 'The Calling' with the line 'Jesus called me on my cellphone/ no roaming charges were incurred/' and song titles like 'La Vida Eternal' and 'Church Rulez', make the soundtrack a camp, pop spectacular. Catch the show if you can; if not check out the music.

(In all fairness, I should say that I could be slightly biased as I have a sincere fondness for Scott Porter (who plays the band leader Matthew). Just look at him, all cute and sweaty. Yeah, I know. I'm going to hell.)

2005-05-22T06:19:00.000-06:00

WHO'S THAT GIRL?

This morning I was channel surfing and happened upon a video on MTV Hits that stopped me in my tracks. I already really dug this song, but Chris Applebaum's noirish black & white treatment really suits the mood of the song. But what really floored me was the artist herself. Talk about a make-over. Can you guess who she is?

To see the answer highlight the next text block: Kelly Osbourne from 'One Word'

2005-05-21T02:39:00.000-06:00

WANTED
Why is that we always want someone we can't have? As a man of fair intelligence, I find it astonishing and silly that I would pine over someone who is unattainable. Be it circumstance, distance or other complication, sometimes the person we most want to possess is just beyond our grasp. Now, one who is sensible might see the folly in this situation and right his ship.

Sometimes, I want to jump ship. Other times, I want to commandeer the ship with brute wit and strength. There in lies the double-edged sword. If I jump from the ship it would be akin to being tied to the ship's anchor. Strong wraps of rope holding me hostage to a plummet of dark waters. If I commandeer the ship, where to navigate? Where do you go when you're lost? The alternative is stay aboard an unwitting passenger. Watching over the bough. Looking for glimpses of a far-off land and the one we covet.

I have a theory that wanting and pining--as much as they could ever hurt--also bring us some kind of perverse pleasure. Pining signifies that a desire still burns inside of us. Wanting grates against the soul creating sparks to light embers that warm us inside. Embers that hopefully we will consume to feed our fire. To drive that passion to seek out not what we can't have, but find the one that is waiting for us. It is the waiting that's the trick. The trick that brings pain with the promise of pleasure.

Maybe we can't always have the one we want. But, we can all want to have.

2005-05-19T16:13:00.000-06:00

A QUESTION OF TERMS, A QUESTION OF LAW
Thanks to a savvy reader, I was tipped off to a thoughtful examination of the hot-button issue of gay marriage. I was intrigued because this debate focused on the issue from a completely fresh perspective.

To wit, the current thinking that the term 'marriage' should only apply to the union of a man and woman, as opposed to the term 'civil union' which would apply to same-sex couples. The real dilemma to me is not so much what term you use, but instead the legal and social entitlements given to such unions.

As part of Legal Affairs Debate Club, two respected law scholars have taken up an interesting premise: Should states abolish marriage? Mary Lyndon Shanley is a professor of political science at Vassar and argues that states should do away with marriage as a 'civil status' and replace it with civil unions to be available to both heterosexual and same-sex couples. Linda McClain is a professor of law at Hofstra and argues against the abolishment of 'marriage'. Their resultant dialogue is thought-provoking and interesting. I'd highly recommend that you review their debate by clicking the link below.

Whatever your position on this issue, it is by taking on bold and thoughtful discussions of legal and social perspective--as this one by Ms. Shanley and Ms. McClain--that change will come.

Should States Abolish Marriage?

2005-05-18T04:37:00.000-06:00

OBSERVATIONS FOR $200, ALEX
01. Does anyone do piano-driven tales better than Ben Folds? 'Songs for Silverman' gets me right there.

02. Sorry Vonzell. Bo and Carrie took it to a completely different level last night. Bo is my 'Idol'. His a capella number last night was nothing short of brilliant. But, Carrie is gonna lay down a heck of a country album.

03. I've seen the promo for that 'Was Jesus really resurrected?' investigative journalism *cough* piece ABC is doing one too many times. Instead of worrying about that, might I suggest that Elizabeth Vargas investigate something topical and important to today's geopolitical climate: How the hell did the Federlines get a television show?

04. Four Words: Gus Mattox 'Man Made'.

05. Don't ask me how I know because I'll have to kill you. But, J.J. Abrams and company have one HELL of a cliffhanger planned for 'Lost'. You have no idea.

06. Since sharing my Jehovah story, I've received some of the funniest semen stories. Seriously people, you're all sick.

07. Nerd confession: I love Super Mario. I've owned every gaming system Nintendo has put out (including that not-long-for-the-world Virtual Boy). I've never even been tempted to betray Nintendo in all these years. But, I've crossed to the dark side. I purchased Sony's PSP and I'm addicted to 'Lumines' and 'Ridge Racer'. There. I've said it.

08. I recently slept with Paula Abdul. It was hot. Okay, fine. It was Simon (and it wasn't that hot). Clive Davis will produce my album next year.

09. Latest candle scent recommendation: Voluspa's Vervaine Olive Leaf.

REASON #569 I SHOULD BE A DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE

2005-05-16T15:57:00.000-06:00

JEHOVAH IS NOT AMUSED
After sleeping in a bit on Saturday morning, I was gleefully lost in a day of indulging in pampering my temple with expensive and decadent beauty treatments. Upon finishing a vitamin C microdelivery peel and an orange/honey facial mask, I was in the process of a final round of cleanser when my doorbell rang. I was hardly dressed for company.

So in a rapid-fire succession, I was quickly trying to remove the cleanser from my face and find a robe to throw over my not-so-ready for primetime attire. Those of you with a quick wit already know where this is headed. For those who haven't figured it out as of yet, a word about my facial cleanser. It is a rather rich, viscous liquid having a pearly off-white coloration. I assure you it's quite delightful, but I digress.

While giving myself a large hematoma on the small toe of my left foot with the corner of an ottoman, I quickly patted my hair down, pulled the robe closed and answered the door to the familiar sight of the Witnesses. Yes, it was time to receive my free subscription to The Watchtower and an invitation to the local Kingdom Hall.

Now I'm a fairly reasonable person. I certainly believe in religious freedom. I'm not so sure I believe you have to sell your religion on a door-to-door basis. Yet, I do try to be relatively civil in being promptly dismissive. Most times, the courteous brush-off seems to work. On this day, it seems my brush-off skills were firing on all cylinders. As I watched the faces of the two gentleman standing at my doorway, I kept sensing this extreme unease as one of the gentleman hurried through what I'm sure is a rote spiel. As they left, I swear they nearly broke out in a sprint.

On my way back to the bathroom to finish my ablution, I puzzled at the fact that perhaps I am so gay that even a Jehovah's Witness can detect it. As I pondered the possibilities, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had a perfectly placed bead of cleanser ever-so-slightly sliding down my face near my mouth.

Mystery solved.

2005-05-13T12:47:00.000-06:00

THE O-SPOT
[DISCLAIMER: The O Spot often contains explicit male nudity and/or sexually explicit content. Obliquity is not responsible for loss of bodily fluids, repetitive stress injuries, and/or loss of appendages. Please enjoy responsibly.]

2005-05-12T10:11:00.000-06:00

HATE IS ALIVE
Below is a copy of an e-mail that was sent to Mr. Joe Solmonese, President of the Human Rights Campaign (HRC). It is yet another example of the increasingly organized and harmful attacks extremist groups are waging in America's workplaces.

-----Original Message-----
>From: Gary Wright
>Sent: Tuesday, May 03, 2005 4:35 PM
>To: Joe Solmonese
>Subject: RE: Anti-gay groups are exploiting my story

>Hi Joe –
>
>I just found out that the anti-gay group "American
>Family Association" is spreading lies about me,
>lies that can hurt thousands of people in our
>community. They had been boycotting Procter and
>Gamble (P&G) because they had helped repeal a
>hateful anti-gay law in Cincinnati. Now they are
>falsely claiming that I was forced out of the company
>for standing up for our rights. Here's what they
>are saying:
>
>"In so far as we can tell by our monitoring, P&G has
>stopped their sponsorship of TV programs promoting
>the homosexual lifestyle, such as '[Will] & Grace.'
>And, as far as we can tell, they have stopped their
>sponsorship of homosexual Internet sites. Also, the
>P&G executive who was given a leave of absence to
>lead the effort of special rights for homosexuals
>in a Cincinnati election -- and who was a force for
>pushing the homosexual agenda inside the company --
>is no longer with the company."
>
>Joe, that P&G executive they mention is ME!!! I left
>the company to become a full-time activist, and
>they're citing my departure as an indication that
>their boycott was successful! We won at the polls
>in Cincinnati with P&G's help, and now they are
>trying to turn that victory into defeat.
>
>It infuriates me to know that my personal decision
>has been twisted like this by this hateful group!
>And, I'm afraid that the anti-GLBT groups are making
>serious and hurtful inroads into corporations all
>over the country -- look at what happened with
>Microsoft!
>
>So, here's what I think: I want to support the work
>that YOU'RE doing to make workplaces fair. There
>are millions of GLBT employees and supporters at P&G
>and other companies who need to know that we won't
>stand still while we are attacked. What can we do?
>How can I help get HRC members to help fight these
>awful groups?
>
>Thanks,
>Gary Wright
----- end original message -----

While the HRC has a somewhat muddied past, it is currently undergoing a shift in management, goals and public relations. For all of the criticism the HRC receives from the LGBTQ community, it is one of the few organizations that has the gravitas to make companies like Procter & Gamble and organizations like the American Family Association aware of the voice and consumerism of the LGBTQ population. For that reason, I still support their efforts.

2005-05-10T11:11:00.000-06:00

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT (RELATIVELY SPEAKING)
Britney Spears-Federline's used home pregnancy kit sold at auction for $ 5,001.00. Paula Abdul (who may or may not have slept with Corey Clark) goes on SNL to tell Amy Poehler, 'You need to perfect the clap a little more and be a lot more sexier so contestants will be willing to sleep with you.'. Tom Cruise is 'dating' ~~James Van Der Beek~~ Katie Holmes. Renee Zellweger (who apparently gave up her quest for Pamela Des Barres' title) married Kenny Chesney ~~who was dating Tom Cruise~~. Jennifer Garner is pregnant by ~~Michael Vartan~~ Ben Affleck. Christian Slater (who?) is dating ~~purported~~ actress Lindsey Lohan. Brad is doing Angelina ~~and one of them is doing her brother~~. Hayden Christensen may ~~or may not~~ be gay.

Hooray for Hollywood!

MUSIC YOU NEED NOW
* 'Stand Up'--Dave Matthews Band
* 'Billy Miles'--Billy Miles
* 'Make Believe'--Weezer
* 'The Antidote'--Morcheeba
* 'Gimme Fiction'--Spoon
* 'Wreck of the Day'--Anna Nalick
* 'Pornography'--Adriano Canzian

2005-05-09T03:47:00.000-06:00

SEEN IT ALL BEFORE

'Go ahead baby
Run away again
I'm growing tired of chasing you'

Love is one of those intangible 'things'. Ask fifty people for their definition of 'love' and you're bound to get fifty different answers. Surely there will be some commons in the survey: deep, emotion, feeling, affection, solicitude, attachment, romance, sex, attraction, endearment, enthusiasm, etc. Love becomes an experience to be had. Yet, the experience is invariably as unique as each of us are. In the end, we may not be able to put our finger on an exact definition, but when you feel love, when you taste of love, it's an experience you never forget.

'I know you only have time to love me
When you got nothing better to do
Who's bold enough to believe
Neither love or war'

Love can sneak up on you or smash you in the chest like a runaway freight train. Love can come quickly or take its sweet time. Love can be for a woman, man or child. As different as those loves can be, they all share a unique beauty in a wicked world. Love can be familial and familiar. Love can be loud and unrequited. Love can be an addiction and an affliction. Love can salve your weeping wounds or rip your heart from your heavy chest. Love, it seems, can be many things to many people.

'Both just leave you busted, broken down
And wanting more
And baby I seen it all before
You know that I've seen it all before
You know that I've seen it all before
I ain't gonna be your fool anymore'

Most of us covet and crave love. I've had love and lost love. Even when love is gone, traces remain like the refrain of a song that refuses to stop bouncing against your skull. Love can be fulfillment and emptiness. Love can be a drug for all your ills or make you sicker than the last time you were the biggest fool in the world.

'I can hear my heart pounding
Oh but I just can't decide
Stuck between the depths of my feet
And the peaks of my pride'

Love can be a beginning or an end. Love can make us gullible or suspicious. Love can be a fire in your heart or the flames that singe your skin. Love can be truth. Love can be consequence. Love can be crazy. Love can be sane.

'I've seen your tricks
And your trade-offs
I've seen your evil ways
I've seen everything your twisted smile conveys'

Love is still a mystery to me. Love has a history of me. Love ate me up and spit me out. More than anything I have or want, I want love again. Foolish, stupid me. But, it's the truth I see.

[Note: The lyric breaks above are from 'Seen It All Before' by Amos Lee. If you haven't picked up his eponymous full-length debut, you're missing out on one of the finest and most well-written albums of 2005. Word.]

2005-05-08T07:56:00.000-06:00

MOM

2005-05-06T05:29:00.000-06:00

GAY SPERM-ICIDE

On April 8, 1999 at a human tissue seminar, the FDA (Food & Drug Administration) announced proposed regulations which would make it illegal for gay men to be sperm donors, block medical assistance for infertility and almost eliminate the possibility of having biological children. Outlining the regulations was the FDA's chief architect of the proposal, Ruth Solomon, M.D., Director of the Human Tissue Program, Office of Blood and Research and Review, Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research (CBER) of the FDA.

Since that time, the issue has been hotly debated in scientific circles far from public scrutiny. Yesterday, the FDA announced that despite vociferous complaints it would move forward on implementing new rules recommending that any man who has engaged in homosexual sex in the previous five years be barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor. Such regulations would go into effect on May 25, 2005. The FDA's rationale: Insistence that gay men collectively pose a higher-than-average risk of carrying the AIDS virus. A cursory review of HIV & AIDS infection data (from the CDC) does not bear out this conclusion. In fact, it shows a diametrically opposed trend: HIV infection rates in the heterosexual population are rising at an alarming rate.

Instead of adopting a more precise screening process that focuses on high-risk sexual behaviors of any would be donors (gay or straight), the FDA is adopting a policy they insist 'does not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation', but instead are seeking 'to exclude men who have had sex with other men in the last five years'. Excuse me? Does the FDA know the definition of 'homosexual'?

Under the proposed regulations, gay men would be banned from being anonymous sperm donors. Under these regulations heterosexual men may have multiple sexual partners and be acceptable. However, gay men in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship would not.

Current fertility industry standards require anonymous sperm donations to be frozen and quarantined for six months, then donors are retested for HIV before their sperm is released for inseminations. The HIV window period; the time after infection until an HIV antibody test is positive, is one to three months. In 14 years of using the HIV antibody test, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) could only point to one case of a man who appeared healthy and went beyond this window period. He did not turn positive for 2 years. He was heterosexual and specialized tests conclusively showed he was infected by his wife who was infected by an extra-marital relationship. The bottom line is that there is no scientific or medical basis for excluding gay donors. Such a ban would be discrimination, plain and simple.

The question remains: Will the new proposed regulations have the force of law and will doctors and clinics who refuse to implement them face legal and loss of funding issues?

2005-05-05T05:27:00.000-06:00

HE'S A COLD-HEARTED SNAKE

ABC News continues its woeful tradition of investigative news journalism. After Elizabeth Vargas' one-sided treatment of the Matthew Shephard case, I thought they had hit new lows. Last night, John Quiñones took his place by Vargas' side. Love or hate Paula Abdul, the laughable 'Fallen Idol' special proved nothing and simply relied on speculation and conjecture to paint an unflattering portrait of a supposed illicit sexual affair. Corey Clark came across as nothing more than publicity-hungry, talentless hack. ABC's investigative evidence: a cough syrup bottle with Ms. Abdul's name; phone records to a number given to Clark by 'an associate of Ms. Abdul'; One telephone message where Ms. Abdul asks Mr. Clark to not speak to the press; Mr. Clark's two friends and parents claiming the 'relationship' existed; and of course, the smoking gun--repeated shots of Mr. Clark singing a hideous song, 'Paula-tics', with it's all-too-clever 'Straight Up' refrain.

I found the story unbelievable and not supported by the evidence presented. Even if one plays devil's advocate and assumes a sexual relationship occurred, I still have several problems with the whole scenario:

--Why wait until two seasons later to level the accusation--which is coincidentally timed to the release of an album?

--If Mr. Clark was 22, isn't any supposed sexual relationship between Ms. Abdul and he consensual? The claim that he was naive boy somehow taken advantage of is ludicrous.

--If Ms. Abdul had no direct effect on whether Mr. Clark stayed in or out of the competition (as the public votes), where is the foul?

--Whether Ms. Abdul purchased clothes, haircuts, cell phones and aided in song selection for Mr. Clark, the fact remains that he was judged on his vocals. He was also ejected from the competition by his own actions (failure to disclose his criminal record).

--One could argue that Abdul overpraised Mr. Clark. Then again, who hasn't she overpraised? She's always been extra supportive of all of the contestants who make the final 32 cut.

Straight up, she's a goofy chick with a penchant for saccharinity. But, she'll forever be my girl.

2005-05-04T10:25:00.000-06:00

FLASHES

2005-05-03T04:21:00.000-06:00

IT'S JUST THE WAY I NEED IT
There are some days (and nights) where deep introspection becomes a shadow aping your every move. I suppose it happens to all of us at one time or another. However, there are periods of introspection that with hindsight prove far more determinate. When I look back over my life thus far, there are these imaginary pillars. Pylons that signify major turning points in my life. Some of them are fond memories; others are nothing more than a marker of spilled blood.

Of late, I find myself in one these re-evaluation phases of my life. I'm fairly certain the impetus can be linked to the approaching milestone of my forty years on this crazy planet. One always hears talk of a so-called 'mid-life crisis'. I'm always left scratching my head wondering if I've already had mine--or if it looms somewhere on the horizon. Do we all have them? Are they real monsters or just illusions we use to justify our questionable actions? It always seems one question begets only more queries and little, if any, answers.

There are several of those markers that are easy to look back at in my life. The acceptance of my gay self. The decision to leave a career after ten years to pursue other endeavors. Toss in a couple of failed relationships and put them in a cocktail shaker and vigorously mix. The resultant mixture of sweet and sour is me. All of me--good and bad. At 39 and counting, I have a mental checklist of goals. Much of the list has the appropriate check marks. A few of the goals mutated over the years. Others were added along the strange trip. The last few days, I guess I've been doing a mental inventory. I can't honestly say if I would assess the result as a positive or a negative balance (and really that probably isn't an appropriate way to gauge success or failure).

I realize even at this very hour, I am still a work in progress. I'd like to think we are all works in process. Yet weathered and worn and brushed with a few doses of cynicism, I sometimes wonder. I guess the important thing for me is that I know I am a work in progress. I am thankful for the profound knowledge that while Life happens to us, we have the power to happen to Life.

If you've actually read this far, you probably wonder if I'm losing my marbles. At last count, the marbles are all present and accounted for. I suppose more than anything, I'm thinking out loud. When I first started blogging nearly two years ago, I used to edit out some of this thinking aloud. It seemed (at the time) self-indulgent and self-important--and truthfully, it may still be. Yet on the other hand, I've learned much from fellow bloggers who are bold enough and brave enough to think out loud. For the one thing that binds relative strangers together is similar thoughts and similar plights. It is in the sharing of intimate thoughts that connections are made, people are humanized and progress occurs.

If our lives are similar to books--made of disparate chapters that somehow weave a fabric of communality to tell a story--I guess I find myself at the end of one amazing chapter and anticipating new plot twists, character development, and above all else, more work in progress.

2005-05-02T04:49:00.000-06:00

NOTES FROM HOLLYWOOD
01. Antonio Banderas and Jennifer Lopez have begun lensing 'Bordertown' with director Gregory Nava ('Selena'). Principal photography has started in New Mexico and the shoot will move into Mexico. Set on the U.S.-Mexico border, the film follows a journalist who is investigating a series of murders that take place near U.S.-owned factories in the region. 'Bordertown' will hit theaters in 2006.

02. 'Desperate Housewives' resident gardener Jesse Metcalfe ('John Rowland') will make his feature film debut in 20th Century Fox's 'John Tucker'. Metcalfe will play a serial cheater who becomes the target of revenge by three ex-girlfriends. Betty Thomas will direct from a script by Jeff Lowell. Principal photography begins in July in New Orleans.

03. Clive Owen ('Closer') will topline director Alfonso Cuaron's next project. The film adaptation of P.D. James' 'Children of Men' chronicles a time when mankind has lost the ability to procreate. Owen will play a radical who must protect the first woman to become pregnant in over twenty years. Owen has also just signed on to Spike Lee's next joint, 'Inside Man', which will also star Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster.

04. The long-gestating adaptation of James Ellroy's 'The Night Watchman' has finally taken off. After both David Fincher and Spike Lee bypassed the project (which was held up by script problems), it now appears Oliver Stone will take the helm. Keanu Reeves is set to star as a disgraced police officer who sets out to rid the police force of corruption based on final script approval. Ellroy's script is being doctored by John Ridley.

05. Two-time Tony winner Patrick Wilson ('The Phantom of the Opera') has signed on to the relationship drama 'Little Children'. Director Todd Field is working with author Tom Perrotta on a script and Kate Winslet and Jennifer Connelly are attached to co-star for New Line Cinema.

06. Pedro Almodovar's follow-up to 'Bad Education' will be 'Volver'. Set to begin lensing in Madrid and La Mancha in July, Penelope Cruz will headline a cast that includes a reteaming with Almodovar favorite Carmen Maura ('Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown'). Almodovar describes the film as, "a cross between Michael Curtiz's 'Mildred Pierce' and Frank Capra's 'Arsenic and Old Lace,' mixed with the surrealist naturalism of my fourth film, 'What Have I done to Deserve This?' "

07. Fox Searchlight's 'Kinsey' was named Best Wide Release Feature at Saturday's GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) Media Awards in Los Angeles.

08. Meryl Streep has signed on to the big screen adaptation of Lauren Weisberger's hit novel 'The Devil Wears Prada'. Streep will play magazine editor Miranda Priestly. David Frankel will direct for Fox.

09. ABC News has announced plans to offer programming content for download on Sony's PSP (PlayStation Portable). The initiative for ABC to become PSP's first news and information content provider will begin with the technology program 'Ahead of the Curve', music reviews and other shortform content drawn from the network's all-digital ABC News Now.

2005-04-29T13:01:00.000-06:00

ANNA NALICK

Twenty-year-old singer/songwriter Anna Nalick turns in one of the strongest debut albums of the year with her sumptuous 'Wreck of the Day'. She's creating buzz with her confessional and beautifully melodic single 'Breathe (2 AM)'. It's companion video showcases not only a beautifully written song, but a strikingly gorgeous woman as well.

'Wreck of the Day' is filled with thoughtful and masterfully executed songs that paint pictures and stories in vivid colors. Her voice is a breath of fresh air in these days of overprocessed, enhanced vocals. The wisdom of her songwriting belies her young age. Since I downloaded the album, I haven't been able to stop listening to it. Among my favorite tracks are: 'Breathe (2 AM)', 'Citadel', 'Forever Love (Digame)' and 'Bleed'. But all eleven cuts are compelling. I highly recommend you check Anna Nalick out.

[Note: You can check out a recent exclusive feature with Ms. Nalick on Subter.com by Editor Bradley P. Robb]

THE O-SPOT
[DISCLAIMER: The O Spot often contains explicit male nudity and/or sexually explicit content. Obliquity is not responsible for loss of bodily fluids, repetitive stress injuries, and/or loss of appendages. Please enjoy responsibly.]

'CUZ CHRISAFER SAID...

I am:
-1%
Republican.

"You're a damn Commie! Where's Tailgunner Joe when we need him?"

Are You A Republican?

2005-04-28T09:55:00.000-06:00

AMERICA IS ON CRACK

Oh, yes he is.

Yep, I'm about to go on another American Idol rant. If you're a hater, you'll want to stop reading now. You've been warned.

Okay Idolaters, was I the only one with his mouth on the living room floor last night? What the hell was that? Whether you hate or love Constantine Maroulis, there is no way anyone can ever convince me that he gave the worst performance of the six remaining finalists. Whether he irritated you or made you swoon, there was no denying the charisma and sex appeal of Maroulis. He knew how to work a camera and a crowd--and he wet panties across the nation.

Now, I must speak of the dark side. Forget Revenge of the Sith. There is nothing more evil in the galaxy than that heinous fucker Scott Savol. Damn you America! Try and convince me that he sang better than Vonzell, Anthony and Constantine. I mean his absolute massacre of Luther Vandross' 'Dance With My Father' was an atrocity of Benedict XVI proportions. If poor Luther heard that version of his song, he probably had another stroke. Who the hell is voting for this ass hat?

I'm not sure I understand the seeming apathy for Anthony Fedorov either. His rendition of Celine Dion's 'I Surrender' was the most vocally challenging and well-orchestrated number of the night. Now, don't get me wrong. For the most part I like Anthony, but he's never been one of my favorites. He has a tendency to be a bit on the bland side. Then again America, look what you did to Clay Aiken. How Anthony ended up in the bottom two should be an X-File

I'm convinced evil is at foot. The Apocalypse fast approaches and ~~Satan~~ Scott Savol has replaced a plague of locusts. Just remember, you voters did this. Damn you all. Damn us all. I thought it was funny when you elected drug-boy-homophobe as president. Now your just trying to piss me off. I'm warning you, you mess with Bo and I'm going to go psycho on your ass--and not in a good way.

2005-04-27T15:19:00.000-06:00

SOMETHING TO BE

Rob Thomas is certainly someone to be this week. The much-maligned frontman of matchbox twenty has scored his first solo debut at number one on the Billboard 200. In moving 252,000 copies of 'Something To Be', Thomas achieved a far more impressive chart feat. Thomas becomes the first male artist in the fifty year history of the Billboard 200 from a pop or rock group to score a solo debut #1 album.

The album is a solid pop/rock blend of well-written and instrumentally diverse tracks. The album's lead single, 'Lonely No More' has become a multi-format hit and spawned an eye-popping video. Among the standout cuts are: 'This Is How a Heart Breaks', 'Streetcorner Symphony', 'Ever the Same' and 'Problem Girl'.

If you haven't checked out the companion disc, '...Something More', it's a must-have and is only available at Target stores. The EP features seven tracks including two remixes of the current single: 'Lonely No More (Jason Nevins Rock Da Club Mix)' and 'Lonely No More (Francois L. Club Mix). It also features remixes of two other album tracks and three original tunes.

2005-04-26T11:43:00.000-06:00

TELL THEM I'VE GONE
The eyes begged for my attention. A mystical blend of aquas, with a hint of metallic shimmer. As if the color was not enough to draw me in. The sparkle was insurance to tempt me off the cliff of sanity. A leap I knew was folly and yet undeniably necessary. A perfect smile graced lips that I wanted to touch, yearned to taste. The perfect cleft accentuated cupid's bow. I drank in every word. Watched every minute movement. I wanted to reach out for that stray lock of hair that playfully kissed his forehead. I wanted to shut my eyes at this very moment and like the shutter of a camera capture this image for my mental scrapbook.

Every crease in his jeans held the promise of skin the pads of my fingers wanted to map. Skin flowing with tendrils of light hair, warm flesh. The neck of his shirt betrayed the hairs of his chest. Hairs that invariably formed the path to a land of fantasy and delight. His squared shoulders strained material forming a second skin. A skin I desperately wanted to peel away revealing the raw fruit of his essence.

As my hand runs along the underside of his chin, a slight stubble feels like a field of electrical wires. A spark of some sort bounces from one body to another. A kiss takes my breath away. I hungrily dive in for more. Air be damned. A volatile mix of heat, saliva and hunger. My tongue runs across his chest. His back arches in response to my kisses and delicate nips. His nipple responds to my caress. My mouth bisects his trunk. My nose reaches the summit of those same jeans I studied. Breaths quicken and deepen. Clothes fall away. Inhibitions are lost in the jumble of clothing tossed to the side of the bed. Desire shatters the silence of darkness. Flesh merges and entwines.

Time loses itself. Time loses you. Mercifully.

2005-04-25T08:43:00.000-06:00

THE HOT LIST
01. Gus Mattox
02. Philosophy's The Microdelivery Peel
03. The debut album from Ringside

04. James Denton
05. Ian McEwan's 'Saturday'

BLOGS YOU SHOULD BE READING
01. Designer Blog: Erudite and interesting, Will is both a gay father and husband. His background in theatre and love of opera are only two of the reasons I enjoy his weblog so much.

02. Exceptional Kia: Kia is the girl I would stalk if I were straight. She is unflinchingly honest, completely sexy and brutally funny. If Kia says it, you better done believe it.

03. I bet after sex he smokes a ham: How do I count the ways I love Knottyboy? He's an artist. He's hot. He has one of the best weblog names out there. He takes the art of video blogging to uncharted heights. He makes me laugh and think. If your missing him, shame. Shame on you, I say.

MISCELLANEA
01. If my weekend social life get's any more exciting, I'm going to need Cialis. I spent most of the weekend ripping up old tiles from my office floor.

02. Christian Bale's Batman is on the cover of this week's double-issue of EntertainmentWeekly. Who knew a man in a rubber suit could be so fucking hot?

03. Pope Benedict Arnold still alive. The deathwatch continues...

04. Garbage's 'Bleed Like Me' is the finest rock album of the year (thus far). Bleeding never felt so traumatic and sublime.

05. That little Ty Pennington has become quite the mogul. He traded spaces, yelled his way to an ABC hit show and now has his own designer line, Ty Pennington Style with Sears. Most amazingly, he only had to sleep with fifteen people. Now, that's an idol.

06. Breaking News: Ann Coulter is STILL an ugly, skank bitch.

2005-04-22T08:33:00.000-06:00

ANGLES FROM MY BED
I'm creatively tapped out for the week. So in the great tradition of bloggers everywhere, I'm going to ~~steal~~ borrow inspiration from hunky Jake at NoFo and share a few weird shots from my bedroom.

Okay, so maybe one of them isn't really from my bedroom. Sue me. Better yet, come over and take your clothes off. Happy Weekend!

2005-04-20T06:27:00.000-06:00

HABEMUS PABLUM
While still a cardinal, Joseph Ratzinger presided over the last mass before the conclave began. In his homily, Ratzinger foreshadowed his own papacy. He reminded the cardinals not to be swept away by modernism and that they should hold fast to the 'traditional' values of the church.

Prior to John Paul II's death, Ratzinger penned a memo to American bishops stating that communion should be denied to Catholic politicians who support legal abortion. We won't even bother examining Ratzinger's views on such things as his chauvinistic stance on women's involvement within the church hierarchy, homosexuality, euthanasia and birth control. While other major religions of the world are embarking in self-introspection and change, the Catholic Church seems to be hellbent on regression.

Before anyone accuses me of being a bitter fag, let me just say I am. As someone who was indoctrinated in the teachings and ways of a church and a religion from birth through high school, I wasn't a pillar of Catholic virtue. Nonetheless, I was a Catholic and my religion and spirituality was of import. Of course, with the realization of my sexuality came an extreme confusion and a true Catholic's favorite--guilt. Growing up is hard. Growing up gay is harder. Having your church turn its back on you because of who and what you are is an abuse that is anything but godly.

As if I needed any proof of what the papacy of Benedict XVI actually means, I refer you to words of our esteemed ~~god~~ president as cited in today's The Washington Post:

'President Bush praised Pope Benedict XVI yesterday as a "man of great wisdom and knowledge," and Republicans and Democrats lauded the election of a pontiff who is likely to assume a prominent role in debates over abortion, same-sex marriage and war.

"He is a man who serves the Lord," Bush said in a short statement to reporters yesterday afternoon. "We remember well his sermon at the pope's funeral in Rome, how his words touched our hearts and the hearts of millions. We join with our fellow citizens and millions around the world who pray for continued strength and wisdom as His Holiness leads the Catholic Church."'

In retrospect, my bitterness died long ago with my feelings for the church and its clergy. I'm left with the comfort of knowing that I am a sinner. A sinner who no longer requires his sins to be expurgated by a church filled of sin.

Amen.

LIKE THE DESERTS MISS THE RAIN
Whether it be by circumstance or happenstance, sometimes people that are important in our life fade out of our orbit. We're all the equivalent of protons, electrons and neutrons bouncing off of one another. With an infinite abundance of random bounces, some connections seem to stick beyond laws of space and time. When that covalence breaks, it usually hurts.

There are people who leave their mark on our lives. It is a mark that will endure long after we've changed physical forms. Much like the artist's thumbprint in the clay he works or the random handprint left in freshly poured concrete, the whisper of another's essence becomes a part of your own.

So when that person is gone and deeply missed, one only has to breathe deeply and search your memory for a faint trace of their essence. Like large blotting raindrops hitting the parched and cracked desert floor, the smell is one you'll never forget.

AMERICAN IDOLATERS
Overall, it was a very strong showing by our final seven (with one noteable exception, but that's later). Constantine worked the eyeliner. Carrie nailed a difficult range. Scott (Damn you, Scott Savol)turned in what was probably his most steady vocal--and yes, I still abhor him. Anthony gets points for doing Tavares and the ass-wiggling. Vonzell was steady--not my favorite performance of hers, but consistant. Bo. Bogart, where do I begin? It was a daring and terrific song choice. It was a masterful performance and my favorite of the night. I think I'm starting to lust after you. Which brings me to Anwar. Girl, your voice has been whiny since day one. You can hit some great notes, but you can miss a lot of them as well. Last night, you seemed uncomfortable and your delivery was stilted. Anwar, the tribe has spoken.

My scorecard:

Constantine 9.25
Carrie 9.10
Scott 6.33
Anthony 8.25
Vonzell 8.75
Anwar 4.50
Bogart 9.90

America, don't make me swab your ears.

ENVISION

2005-04-19T06:53:00.000-06:00

WAS THAT A WHORETORICAL QUESTION?
O: Please say you didn't.
X: I'm sure it was probably sort of fun...at the time.
O: Look, I'm only saying this because I love you. You are a disgusting tramp.
X: Just because I like cheap, unmeaningful sex with uninteresting men...

IN OTHER NEWS
I was informed last night that since I've been celibate for a determinate period of time AND I will soon be 40, I am now officially barren.

I'm not answering the phone today. With my luck, it will be a conclave of cardinals asking if I want to be pope.

Then again, license to say 'kiss the ring' could have its privileges.

2005-04-18T04:31:00.000-06:00

LIKE GLORIA GAYNOR
So it looks like the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Turns out the cold was some nasty viral thing. I'm pretty sure I coughed up my spleen. Between barrages of Tylenol*, Biaxin*, Robitussin-DM*, hot lemon toddies (not to be confused with the equally hot Hot Toddy's Toaster Oven), bad television, several Kleenex* boxes, Vicks VapoRub*, twisted nightmares, knotted bed covers (not to be confused with Knottyboy bed covers which the grapevine says are hot as well) and the like--I'm pretty sure the worst is over. In the interim, I missed a publishing deadline and a dear friend's phone call. But, I did receive the sweetest voicemail. Sometimes friends are better than medicine. So things are getting back to normal (as if anything here was ever normal).

(*All product placement fees will be donated to charity.)

ALBUMS YOU SHOULD BE LISTENING TO
01. 'The Emancipation of Mimi'--Mariah Carey
02. 'Bleed Like Me'--Garbage
03. 'Something To Be'--Rob Thomas
04. 'The Bravery'--The Bravery
05. 'Awake Is the New Sleep'--Ben Lee

SAVE THE MUSIC

Don't tell anyone, but I was a band geek. I played bass clarinet in high school. To say music plays a large part in my life would probably be an understatement. To that end, VH1's Save The Music Foundation is a cause near and dear to my heart. Last night, the annual 'Save The Music' concert aired on VH1. On the whole, it was quite an enjoyable line-up of performances and some surprisingly great duet combinations. Joss Stone, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Rob Thomas, Robert Randolph, John Legend, Donna Summer, Josh Groban and Rod Stewart were featured in the line-up along with the obligatory celebrity intros. I loves me some Joss Stone. Donna, I love you to--but honey, what the hell were you wearing?

2005-04-14T06:17:00.000-06:00

AMERICAN ID(IOTS)OLATERS

Yo Dawgs! America seriously needs to go out and buy Q-Tips. Miss Nadia Turner was booted out in 8th place on last night's 'American Idol'. The Tamyra Gray Syndrome is alive and well.

How Ms. Turner was booted before the likes of Scott Savol (who couldn't hit a low note if it slapped him in the face) or Anwar Robinson (for Bush's sake, the man sang Dionne Warwick!) is a complete and utter mystery to me. It has now been listed as item #237 in my 'Life's Unanswered Questions' journal. Girl was robbed (No, not Mario--Nadia).

I was ticked that the judges (all three of them) gave Nadia a hard time for her song selection. Sure, the song was a ballad. But, she gave a solid performance with her usual grace and class. On the night alone, I thought her performance surpassed favorite Carrie Underwood (Pat Benatar she is not), Vonzell Solomon, Anthony Fedorov, Anwar Robinson and Scott Savol. Much to my surprise not only was Nadia bottom three, but Bogart was as well.

For you non-AI watchers, you must understand that this show is like a drug. It gives you a high and then sends you crashing. I am a slave to the drug. (Shut up.)

Just like with Bush (the president, not the band), I'm going to blame the red states. Okay, maybe not. But, I'm sick and I felt like bitching. If I keep drinking this cough syrup, I'm going to end up in the 'suite' next door to Whitney.

Damn you, Crystal Gale. Damn you, Scott Savol. Damn you, America.

HOT BLOG(GER)
If you haven't checked out The Outlawed Mind yet, you're missing out. ~~Johnnycakes (I couldn't resist)~~ Jonathan is wickedly smart, disarmingly funny and totally hunky. Oh, did I mention he's straight? Well, he is. But, he's quickly become a gay blogger's favorite read and he's cool with that. What else would you expect from an outlawed mind?

WORD OF THE DAY
C₁₈H₂₅NO

2005-04-12T16:43:00.000-06:00

SLAMDANCE
I felt it coming for a few days. It arrived yesterday. I have been gifted one of those illogical spring colds. It's taken up residence in my head and lungs. It's a strange combination of feeling like my head is in a vise one second and filling with jelly the next. Meanwhile, infiltrates are slamdancing in my lungs. I'm officially tired of coughing. I ache in places I never knew existed. I'll spare you any talk of expectorants. Yet, my friends, I blog. Therefore, I am.

Tomorrow is another day. If the antibiotics and cough syrup don't kill the bugs, I'm going disco on their ass.

2005-04-11T14:29:00.000-06:00

THE HURTING
My father is an alcoholic.

He was also physically abusive to my mother. They were divorced by the time I was five. There are many things in this world that I do not understand. However, when a supposed thing called love leaves bruises on your skin, I have a complete mental disconnect.

Of course being so young, I don't have a lot of memories of those horrible times. Yet, the memories I do have are seared into my consciousness. What I don't remember, I have anecdotal scars blended of a mix of emotions. When my mother was pregnant with my sister, my father beat her. He beat her so badly that she ended up in a coma for a month. I share this not for sympathy or because I want to relive bad memories. I share it mainly because it points out the folly of accepting a kind of love no one should ever have to endure.

Though I saw my father very few times during my formative years, I could never (and still cannot) forgive him for his sins. By the time I was sixteen, I literally had grown to hate the man and have had no contact with him since. In the last year, I've heard that he is now dying from all the alcohol he drowned himself in. I wish I could say that I feel something--anything--for him, but I don't.

The reason any of this came to mind this weekend was the news that a friend has been in an abusive relationship. I don't think I will ever understand what keeps a person in an abusive relationship. I don't understand how my mother put up with it for as long as she did. I don't understand how a person can continue to go back to someone that hurts them emotionally and physically. Great lip service is paid to something called a 'cycle of violence'. But in my mind, there is no such thing as love involved in violence.

I try very hard to not judge people. I know how it feels all too well. Yet, I have an extremely difficult time processing the motives of two people in an abusive relationship. I guess if anything, my early childhood taught me what love is not. Thinking about my friend this weekend, I wanted to say the right thing. But I realized that until a person is ready to hear the truth, the words are nothing more than bandages covering much larger wounds. Love is always going to hurt. But, love should not leave its physical mark on your body and soul. My wish for anyone who finds themselves in such a situation is that you find the courage and support you need to escape a bad situation.

BRUISES ON OUR SKIN

inky bruises on porcelain skin
generous gifts from his sin
blacks of his inner demons
blues signed in his name
blood flows with no blame

fragile is the body
broken is your smile
blows of kindness
mauled your heart

death by survival?
who will stop the pain?
the violence regurgitates
the soul mitigates
tears flow like rain

silent withstander
frustrated bystander
bruises on our skin
---arg, 04.11.05

2005-04-08T12:13:00.000-06:00

THE O-SPOT
Happy Weekend! {NSFW}

2005-04-07T12:35:00.001-06:00

RAOUL WALLENBERG

If you happen to find yourself in the New York City area in April, I'd highly recommend that you try and catch one of the following screenings of David Harel's award-winning documentary 'Raoul Wallenberg: Buried Alive'.

The film will be screened twice and feature a guest speaker afterwards. The two confirmed dates are:

* Wednesday, April 13th at 6.00 PM.
City College
138th Street & Convent Avenue
NAC 1-102 Lecture Hall
New York, NY 10031

--After the film, Judith Saly, Holocaust survivor saved by Raoul Wallenberg, will share her personal experience and memories. The audience will have the unique opportunity to participate in an interactive Q&A with her.

* Wednesday, April 20th at 7.30 PM.
Kraft Center for Jewish Life
Columbia University
606 West 115th Street
New York, NY 10025

--After the film, Agnes Adachi, who helped Wallenberg in his heroic deed will share her personal experience and memories. The audience will have the unique opportunity to participate in an interactive Q&A with her.

'Raoul Wallenberg: Buried Alive' reconstructs the true story of a young man who became one of the great heroes of World War II without wearing a uniform or firing a gun. Raoul Wallenberg, a wealthy Swedish protestant, is credited with saving the lives of at least 100,000 Hungarian Jews from the Nazi Holocaust. In accomplishing this feat, Wallenberg himself disappeared into the unfathomable labyrinth of the Soviet prisons. The film is built around a wealth of archival material that graphically shows the rise of the ruthless 'Arrowcross Nazis' in Hungary. Astonishing footage of ghetto pogroms and the enforced death marches are interwoven with interviews with survivors who owe their lives to Wallenberg, and those who have reported seeing him alive.

2005-04-06T11:49:00.000-06:00

E-MALE: RAUOL BOVA

2005-04-05T06:51:00.000-06:00

MISCELLANEA: THE OVERLOAD EDITION
01. Last night for some odd reason, I became obsessed with the notion that I NEEDED some of those peanut butter cheese crackers. You know, those hellacious orange crackers (which probably contain that same dry cheese powder that Kraft uses in its scary macaroni--if there really is any cheese in them at all) that purport to have peanut butter in them. Well, I had to go out and satisfy my jones. Needless to say, I did not read the label. I've probably consumed twelve different carcinogens in eating my crackers, but damn, were they good.

02. Attention iTunes shoppers: Check out an exclusive 23-track iTunes Original Album from the delightful Aimee Mann. Along with some great narration, it has stuff from 'Til Tuesday, 'Magnolia', and previews from her upcoming full-length concept album 'The Forgotten Arm, which streets on May 3, 2005.

03. This is indelicate. You've been warned. Is it me, or do most guys have a particular hand they use when they masturbate? (I know, you're all terribly shocked that I'm a sinner.) The reason I mention this is that for as long as I can remember (which eerily coincides with how long I've been doing 'it'), I've almost exclusively used my right hand. I should point out that I write with my right hand as well. The thing is of late, I've switched to the left hand and it's been a curious revelation. (Why the hell I'm telling you this or thinking about this is beyond me.)

04. Since I've already discussed my masturbation habits, I may as well cop (heh, I said cop) to the fact that I've been celibate (excluding masturbation, of course) for an inordinate amount of time. How long you ask? Well in gay years, it's the equivalent to approximately 39.875 years. In actuality, it's much less. Yet, it is nonetheless personally disconcerting. Now before you think I'm a total loser who can't get laid (don't make me name names on my blogroll), there have been opportunities. I just haven't availed. Sometimes I think my standards are too high (like having a pulse) or my morals aren't low enough (I mean you aren't blessed with a trick jaw for nothing). But, alas, I've come to realize I'm not a casual sex person. Truth be told, I miss hugging and kissing (read: intimacy) more than I do the sex. However, if any of you boys aren't busy....

05. I just realized that most of you are going to think I was drunk when I wrote this. But, I swear, I haven't been drunk in longer than I've not had sex. (Did that make sense?)

06. I'm pretty sure I've embarrassed myself expertly at this point (as if that's different from most days).

07. Today's entry was brought to you by: (parenthetical overload) and my left ~~foot~~ hand.

2005-04-04T05:19:00.000-06:00

ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING
I think one of the most interesting things about being a man is the way we are socialized almost from the birth to avoid expressing emotional vulnerability. It's that whole 'boys don't cry' syndrome. By the time we're adults we've nearly rationalized ourselves out of having feelings. There is constant reinforcement that there is no need to feel sad, hurt or insecure. I would posit that gay boys almost face a double dilemma. I think many men who are closeted work overtime to avoid showing any sign of what might be perceived as emotional weakness--as it would amount to a public declaration of their guilt. The intriguing part is that whether you are a heterosexual or homosexual man, you end up (for the most part) at the exact same place.

An intimate relationship is the ultimate test of how well you embrace and make peace with your feelings. By its very nature, intimacy demands a certain honesty with one another's emotions to create a healthy and successful relationship. You are more likely to resolve conflicts with a partner when you take your emotions--and theirs--into account. While that seems like such a simple idea, it's amazing how hard it can be to put into practice. We have to actually listen to and process feelings.

Feeling are slippery creatures. Many times to our logical minds, feelings seem contradictory and confusing. Though feelings may not be function rationally, we can learn to use them to help us express ourselves more clearly and facilitate a deeper level of communication. To begin to do so, requires that you accept some basic truths about feelings:

01. You don't have to justify your feelings.
02. Feelings press for acknowledgement.
03. Feelings often shift once they are acknowledged.
04. Unacknowledged feelings tend to be acted out.
05. What you do is sometimes an indication of how you feel.
06. Being aware of a feeling doesn't mean you have to act upon it.
07. Unacknowledged feelings may cause psychological or physical symptoms.
08. Anger often masks hurt, sadness or fear.
09. Feelings may be clues to underlying issues in our relationships.
10. Expressing feelings enhances intimacy.

Hostility often results from being threatened by the potential loss of a relationship. Yet attacking each other is likely to make your worst fears come true. When you're able to acknowledge your desire for better relations, you're more likely to enlist your partner's cooperation in finding a solution that takes you both into consideration. You can use your own feelings as a clue to what your partner may feel, since we tend to elicit in others feelings that we experience ourselves. If you feel hurt, they probably do too (even if you don't think it's justified). You don't need to justify feelings through blame or logic. Mostly you just need to be heard and feel understood.

EXIT: STAGE LEFT
sometimes the obvious takes its sweet time
we know the suspects, but not their crime
hearts can be buffeted and take the licks
but eventually it hits you like bricks
was it wrong to believe in picket fences
to feel with my heart and not my senses
i finally learned
while you yearned
that i can't give devotion
to a needy man of mixed emotion
i confess, time has hurt me
but he also made me see
i couldn't be your lover
when there was another
but were we not the rage
before i exited the stage?
---arg 04.04.05

2005-04-03T06:35:00.000-06:00

SUBTER.COM: ISSUE NO. 3 GOES LIVE

The third issue of Subter.com was published yesterday. You can access the latest issue by clicking on the icon above. The evolution of a simple idea has really taken off and each issue shows a wider scope and more talented individuals coming aboard. With writers from five continents and media outlets starting to take notice of Subter.com, the future looks extremely bright. As you are checking out some of the latest columns, make sure you stop by the brand new Subter.com Bulletin Board and check out SubTEXTS for new entries (both of which can be accessed from the menu on the left side of the main page. Of course, this wouldn't be a shameless plug without my mentioning to check out my film column 'Nitrocellulose & Camphor'.

2005-04-01T05:31:00.000-07:00

THE RULES OF ATTRACTION
We all have 'types'. Checklists of those traits we find desirable in those we are potentially attracted to. Some of these requirements are purely physical, and perhaps, shallow. It's the qualities and traits that are difficult to isolate that have always interested me. That's not to say that I can't be shallow. I enjoy a strong jaw line, eyes with a twinkle and full lips as much as the next guy. But--and there always is a but--I am fascinated by the 'things' beyond pure physicality that draw me to another man.

In practical experience, the two men that I shared significant relationships with were like night and day. Racially, culturally and physically, they were quite different. Yet, there were those undefinable, intangible facets to each that drew me in and made me love them. Whatever first, physical attraction there was in either case quickly gave way to astonishing discoveries about them--and myself. Too many times I think we miss opportunities, chances for self-discovery. Much like the hesitation we have when ordering a new taste or cuisine from a restaurant menu, we become entrenched in what we think we like. Comfort equates safety and we bypass the chance to take a risk.

Perhaps, it's something you discover with age? Somewhere along the way, I've learned to not limit myself from the possibilities of people. Beyond the obvious physical component of attraction, men and sex are a delightful buffet of choices. The tasting menu is up to you.

I've learned to taste (and cherish) the difference.

2005-03-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

PRIVATE EYES ARE WATCHING YOU

ABC continues to churn out some of the best one-hour episodic television in years. Following in the steps of its break-out hits 'Desperate Housewives' and 'Lost', earlier this week 'Grey's Anatomy' made a strong showing in audience numbers with an engaging look at first year medical residents from a female perspective. Last night, they debuted 'Eyes'.

It was one of the strongest pilot episodes of a new drama this--or any--year. The writing is keen. The direction whip-smart. There was more action, intrigue, sex and dirty little secrets packed into the one hour premiere than you find in an entire season of a broadcast television series. Frankly, I was rather surprised a couple of scenes made it past ABC's Standards and Practices Division. (Let me just say that I have never wanted to be a listening device more in my entire life.) This show works because of truly smart casting. An ensemble cast led by Tim Daly--and including A.J. Langer, Laura Leighton, Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon, Rick Worthy, Eric Mabius and Natalie Zea--is filled with interesting, well-fleshed characters. (It's also interesting to note that Rick Worthy's Chris Didion is gay, black and post-mental breakdown.) The premiere was filled with twists and turns and ended with quite a little bang.

Judd Risk Management is open for business.

AI UPDATE
America should be ashamed for letting Jessica Sierra go before the likes of Anwar Robinson, Nikko Smith and Scott Savol. Also, how can Nadia Turner be bottom three two weeks in a row?

LA MALA EDUCACIÓN
Coming April 12th, the NC-17 version of Pedro Almodóvar's 'Bad Education' (and my pick for the best film of 2005) on DVD:

QUOTE OF THE DAY
' Ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in blood.'
--Larry (Clive Owen), in 'Closer'

2005-03-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

CRIMES OF PASSION

2005-03-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

NOW I GET WHAT I WANT
The past few days have been a blur. Starting on Friday, it was time for the big dismantle. My bedroom redecorating project was finally in the final stages of fruition. That of course, meant all of the furniture had to be moved and ten years worth of 'stuff' packed in boxes and moved into my living room. Gone are the drab sand colored walls, replaced by Venetian plaster in a hue called 'casino green'. The ceiling is also plastered and finished with a color called 'lime brite' that have an amazing glazed sheen to it. It's quite a sight and once everything is back to where it should be, I'll try and post a couple of snapshots. Last night, I replaced all of the draperies and next on tap is new light fixtures. I feel as if I've moved from a desert to a lush, tropical rain forest. Change is good for the soul. (But, I am re-thinking the palm tree rope swing by the bed.)

THESE THINGS FALL INTO MY HEAD
01. If you haven't picked up Bloc Party's 'Silent Alarm', you really should. I'd also highly recommend the latest albums from New Order, Beck and Lifehouse.

02. Rumor has it that everyone's favorite dirty pervy homo, Drub, will have two limited-edition gift boxed card sets featuring his artwork in the near future. Check out his work and site, they're superb. (Drub ain't too hard on the eyes either.)

03. Bree's (Marcia Cross) scene in the restaurant with Rex was a classic on Sunday's 'Desperate Housewives'. After the drought, we have seven in a row to look forward to.

04. Okay I know I shouldn't admit this publically, but I can't get that new Rob Thomas single 'Lonely No More' out of my head. The video is equally addictive.

05. Have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste ~~him~~ it? (Hypothetically, of course.)

06. 'Closer' is out on DVD today. It was one of my top five film picks of the year. Check it out. I'm waiting for my pre-order from Amazon.com.

07. No disrespect to the Schiavo family, but the media's (and self-serving politicians') obsession with this story is completely out of control (not to mention the idiot protesters who are trying to bring glasses of water to a woman who cannot swallow). I'm boycotting cable news until Ms. Schiavo receives justice.

08. I had occasion to see quite a naked young man who had the most delectable tattoo on the side of hip that delicately curled onto his right buttock. There are times I wish I was brave enough to do something like that--but, I usually come to my senses fairly quickly. Still, his tattoo was like the perfect roadmap. To have one's tongue choose the path less traveled...

09. There's an interesting cover story in the April 12 issue of The Advocate which profiles gay and lesbian Mormons and a growing gay equality movement in some ranks of the church.

10. I'm still trying to decide exactly how to do it, but in the next week or so, be watching for a chance to win the first season of HBO's 'Oz' on DVD. It's a fascinating look at ~~swarthy, naked men having hot prison sex~~ the penal system.

11. Speaking of penile systems...Oh, darn! I'm out of time for today. What a prick!

2005-03-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

HEROES
Thanks to everyone's favorite superhero, Zeitzeuge, there's a new gaggle of gay superheroes inhabiting cyberspace. I think the fascination with men (usually clad in tight spandex) with superhuman powers is a uniquely gay contribution to society at large. Of course, most gay men think a superhero resides in their pants. But, I digress.

So I decided to throw my hat in the ~~cockring~~ ring and offer up my gay superhero who goes by the ominous moniker of Pink Boy. With tongue and tail at ready, he fights bad fashion and searches the globe for illicit fashion knock-offs with his trusty sidekick Tara. Behold, the Pink Boy:

THE O-SPOT
{*before clicking The O-Spot, please be aware it contains full male nudity. I am not responsible for loss of body fluids or sprain injuries. Thanks, the Management}

2005-03-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

GAY DOLLARS

In a recent report issued by the Prime Access advertising agency and media placement firm Rivendell Media, the amount of money major corporations and companies spent on advertising their products in gay media outlets rose 28% from the previous year to total of $207 million. In their '2004 Gay Press Report', Prime Access and Rivendell found that more than 150 of the Fortune 500 companies had specifically targeted lesbian and gay clientele with ad campaigns and buys in gay media outlets.

It's somewhat ironic that after a three year mini-trend of decreasing ad sales, 2004 would prove to be the turnaround year. When you factor in a contentious presidential election with a creeping conservatism, it seems odd that high profile companies would want to spend even more to attract the gay consumer. Among the top companies in dollar spending for advertising budgets in gay media: General Motors, Ford, Daimler-Chrysler, Audi, Land Rover, Subaru, Anheuser-Busch, Molson Coors, Bacardi, Diageo and Absolut. Notice any trends?

All of this leads me to the following observations:

--Is this increased spending simply a matter of economic supply and demand?

--Is gay friendly advertising a shift in policy or simply going after disposable income?

--While most lesbian and gays are exposed to gay friendly advertising in mainstream publications such as Out and The Advocate, does the public at large gain any exposure to a depiction (no matter how superficial) of the gay and lesbian life?

--It's obvious that the leading advertisers are automobile and alcoholic beverage vendors. While I'm all for advertising showing two women or men holding hands (or GWB-forbid, kissing) while shopping for a family auto or enjoying a refreshing libation, doesn't it seem sort of self-defeatist to put such advertisements in ONLY lesbian and gay publications? Why not run the same ad in Time or People?

Of course the answer to that last one is a sticky one. One school of thought is that the lesbian and gay population should be pleased that companies are actively seeking out their dollars. Yet, the companies have a fine line to walk so as not to offend its non-homosexual customer base (no matter how offensive I may find that pandering).

I guess the bottom line is that while big business is more than willing to accept gay dollars, their acceptance (and by association, society's acceptance) of lesbian and gays comes with a price tag, not open arms.

2005-03-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

KELLY CLARKSON ROCKS MY WORLD

Attention iTunes shoppers, today there is an exclusive Kelly Clarkson Remix EP that is a MUST BUY new release. Jason Nevins takes on the brain candy that is 'Since U Been Gone' and comes up with eight variations on a theme. Among my personal favorites:

--Since U Been Gone (Jason Nevins Ambient Candlelight Mix)
--Since U Been Gone (Jason Nevins Roc da Club Edit)
--Since U Been Gone (Jason Nevins Radio Edit Acappella)

Also, be looking for the second single and video from 'Breakaway', 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'. If you ever had any doubt about the power and range of Clarkson's pipes, this song will put those doubts to rest. She's the real deal. If you haven't picked up the album, don't make me make you.

2005-03-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE BOUNCING BALL
01. I've watched so much NCAA basketball this weekend, I think my head is bouncing.

02. West Virginia's 110-105 double overtime win over Wake Forest was a game for the ages.

03. I was heartbroken by Gonzaga's early exit.

04. My new favorite team mascot: Vermont Catamounts (who usurp Southern Illinois' Salukis).

05 North Carolina State's dispatch of the UConn Huskies was impressive.

06. Congratulations to Duke's Coach K. on becoming the winningest coach in NCAA Tournament history. Coach Krzyzewski earned his 66th victory over Mississippi State.

07. Hot Player Alert (Okay, so maybe it's not all about the basketball): Duke's 6'6" Lee Melchionni:

MISCELLANEA
01. Something I'd have never thought I'd say: Check out Kelly Osbourne's new single 'One Word'. Unlike her prior efforts, she pits a sultry vocal against a Giorgio Moroderesque synth track that is going to be a remixer's paradise. It makes stuff shake.

02. I saw a second preview of Robert Rodriguez's 'Sin City' and I loved even more than the first time. Crime, violence and film noir have never looked so beautiful. Make sure you catch this one.

03. I finally settled on color choices for my private bathroom. The walls are going to be Casino Green with a Lime Brite ceiling. It's quite a look.

04. Album Recommendation of The Week: 'Employment'--The Kaiser Chiefs; A riot indeed.

AND I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE?
I've resisted the urge for several days to comment publically on the tragedy that has become Terri Schiavo's Right to Die. However, this weekend's appalling specter of Congress debating to provide President Bush with legislation to force the issue in front of courts once again raises several alarming concerns. Regardless of your position on Right to Die (and I have a strong one), ask yourself:

--If Ms. Schiavo has been in a progressive vegetative state after oxygen deprivation to the brain for more than five minutes in 1990, what are the realistic chances that the damage done to her body and organ systems can be reversed more than fifteen years later?

--If the court system of this country appointed Mr. Schiavo as sole legal guardian in his capacity as her husband, should not the same court system accept his wishes regarding the care of his wife?

--Since all I've heard over the past two years is how gay marriage will destroy the sanctity of marriage, isn't it rather odd that Congress apparently has the ability to step into the sanctity of a marriage and destroy it? Who's marriage is next?

--Ms. Schiavo's feeding tube has been removed and reinstated several times based on legal actions. How much more suffering does this poor woman have to endure at the behest 'of her best interests'?

--I've watched talking heads say that Mr. Schiavo is trying to play god with his wife's life. I would ask, who are the legal system (and now the political machine) trying to play in this situation? (No matter the answer, it's disgusting.)

--If you're heterosexual and married, I would suggest to you that at this point Congress and the President are a bigger threat to your holy matrimony than a homo like me ever will be.

2005-03-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

MY AI DREAM SHOWDOWN

MY iTUNES TOP 20
01. 'Close'--The Blackout Effect
02. 'Call On Me'(Eric Prydz v. Retarded Funk Mix)--Eric Prydz
03. 'Cherry Pie'--Jennifer Lopez
04. 'Missing'(CL McSpadden Unreleased Powerhouse Mix)--Everything But the Girl
05. 'Cry Baby/Piece of My Heart'--Joss Stone & Melissa Etheridge
06. 'Bitches Ain't Shit'--Ben Folds
07. 'Krafty'--New Order
08. 'Don't Take My Mind on a Trip'--Boy George
09. 'Shackles (Praise You)'--Mary Mary
10. 'Arms of a Woman'--Amos Lee
11. 'The Power of Orange Knickers'--Tori Amos & Damien Rice
12. 'Lonely No More'--Rob Thomas
13. 'This House'--Tracie Spencer
14. 'Why Do You Love Me'--Garbage
15. 'So Much Love to Give'--Bastian Bates
16. 'When It Comes'--Tyler Hilton
17. 'I've Never Been to Memphis'--Billie Ray Martin
18. 'Human After All'--daft punk
19. 'What a Good Boy'--Barenaked Ladies
20. 'Since U Been Gone'--Ted Leo

2005-03-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

LA LOHAN

At the risk of offending Chrisafer (and countless other gay boys and teenage girls), I must confess that I don't get the media phenomenon that is Lindsay Lohan. She's always struck me as being somewhat vapid and talentless. Yet, she has a thriving film and music career. So, perhaps the last laugh is on me.

In the April 2005 W magazine, Michael Thompson writes a coverstory featuring an interview with Lohan. After reading some of her responses, I'm inclined to believe my first impression was correct. I think this fascination with semi-talented, semi-naked personalities like Hilton/Duff/Lohan/Fill-In-The-Blank has become a sickness. I'm starting antibiotics.
----------
Lindsay Lohan on:

--her father:
'He didn't do anything for my career, except go out and not come home at night and make my mom and me stay up and wonder where he was and then show up three days later.'

--on her own press:
'I've asked everyone who works with me not to tell me anything because I'm trying to focus on my job. And I already have people saying I'm dancing on tables at bars where there aren't even any tables--so I don't know how that's physically possible--and the people on the set are like, "Well, maybe you're sick because you were going out too much.'

--on Paris Hilton:
'I'm the type of person who doesn't really hide anything. I go to clubs and everything, and if I hang out with Paris Hilton, I don't think that's a bad thing. She's a nice girl.'

--on Hollywood and fame:
'That's kind of what Hollywood's become in a way, as sad as it is, especially for younger girls. "Lindsay's 18 and she's at a club and she's probably drinking". And "Oh, she was seen making out with Colin Farrell". I mean, I like older guys. It's easier for me to relate to an older guy. I have a career, and, maturitywise, to be with a guy that's in college, it's going to be a little difficult.'

--on society:
'I mean, we have 18-year-olds that go to war, and they can't even have a drink. So what does that say about society? I mean, what does it really say? So then when you have an 18-year-old in Hollywood, at a party, and maybe she sees drugs on the table...'

--on her recent doctor's visit:
'He was like, "Are you anorexic? Are you making yourself throw up? Are drugs involved?" And I was like: "Are you saying this because you've read it in magazines? Because I don't!"'

--on her contemporaries:
'And so automatically I'm typecast as a teen actress. Other girls my age, like Evan Rachel Wood and Scarlett Johansson and even Mischa Barton, they've done riskier roles. And, fashionwise, they become these icons. I could do that, but people won't take me as seriously, in a way. It's hard to get around that.'

--on rumors of her drug use:
'Scout's honor. I'm not going to deny the fact that I've tried pot. I hated it. But, I've never tried cocaine. I've seen my father. I've seen how it messes with families, and, you know, it fucks your life up.'

--on her sex life:
'People say I meet all these older men and sleep with them. That's disgusting. God knows where all those guys in this business have been! They should start picking on them a little more.'

--on her foray into music:
'A lot of people that I looked up to, the Ann-Margarets and the Marilyn Monroes, everyone was a triple threat. You had to sing, dance and act, and you did it in all your movies. And as a singer, you can get away with being this kind of rock-star person, and it's okay to go to parties and stuff.'

--on her infamous chest:
'They're totally real. I will admit that when I first started to develop boobs, my friends were like, "Oh my god, what happened, and are your boobs real?" Even me, I was in shock because I was so flat that when I got a chest, it was like, wow. And compared to the rest of my body they kind of, like, popped. And they sit up.'

--on her father's plans to build a reality series around the Lohan family:
'Whatever. As sick as it sounds, a reality show might help, actually. At least people could get to the truth.'

Does this woman not have a publicist?

2005-03-15T05:33:00.000-07:00

MELT
like that spike of ice
dangling from the eaves
crystalline and moist
like tears on my sleeves
it's so fleeting
not long for this place
soon to be crashing
on earth sans grace

it melts like my heart
did when I met you
it's a mystery with
glorious glints of blue
it sparkles like your
eyes when we locked
when my heart's want
could not be blocked

glassy smooth, with
a forming drop at its tip
wet like my kiss
upon your trembling lip
gravity pulls the
delicate drop into its lair
like we pulled
our bodies into a pair

the sun squints
to see the ice melt
heating like the
warmth our faces felt
shards of diamonds
tumble to the ground
glimmering like stones
of love all around

the icicles have gone
waiting for the freeze
love has come swirling
on a brisk breeze
we watched it
patiently drop away
two hearts
fueled by liquid spray

ARE THE STARS OUT TONIGHT?
In the April 2005 special issue of Premiere magazine, the editors name their list of 'the fifty greatest movie stars of all time'. After reviewing their list, I'm going to assume someone at Premiere is on crack. Some of their choices baffle me. Some of their rankings astound me. Then again, how does one quantify this thing we call 'stardom'?

Here are Premiere's choices:

01. Cary Grant
02. Marilyn Monroe
03. Tom Cruise
04. John Wayne
05. Ingrid Bergman
06. Paul Newman
07. Julia Roberts
08. Greta Garbo
09. James Stewart
10. Henry Fonda
11. James Cagney
12. Grace Kelly
13. Humphrey Bogart
14. Katharine Hepburn
15. Marlon Brando
16. Jack Nicholson
17. Robert Redford
18. Audrey Hepburn
19. Spencer Tracy
20. Sidney Potier
21. Clark Gable
22. Judy Garland
23. Fred Astaire
24. Doris Day
25. Bette Davis
26. Errol Flynn
27. Gregory Peck
28. Tom Hanks
29. Warren Beatty
30. James Dean
31. Steve McQueen
32. Jane Fonda
33. Shirley Temple
34. Rita Hayworth
35. Harrison Ford
36. Sean Connery
37. Al Pacino
38. Robert De Niro
39. Denzel Washington
40. Elizabeth Taylor
41. Peter Sellers
42. Gary Cooper
43. Clint Eastwood
44. Will Smith
45. Jack Lemmon
46. Meryl Streep
47. Johnny Depp
48. Nicole Kidman
49. Russell Crowe
50. Brad Pitt

Now, how exactly Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts made top ten and Meryl Streep only #46 is one of those mysteries I shall never solve. Will Smith? They're kidding right? Al Pacino only rates #37? Nicole Kidman #48? Someone call my agent NOW!

2005-03-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

THE LOST WEEKEND

This weekend I spent time rewatching Billy Wilder's magnificent film 'The Lost Weekend'. It had been about six or seven years since I last saw it and it is still as riveting as ever.

Based on the 1944 novel by Charles Jackson, 'The Lost Weekend' chronicles the demons and obsessions of one Don Birnam as he faces consequences of his alcoholism. As terse and masterful as Jackson's fiction is, the film version is exceptional on several counts. It really isn't a stretch to say that Wilder's film was revolutionary. For the first time, Hollywood trained its eyes on a taboo subject--alcoholism--with honesty. While the film may lose a modicum of its power when viewed in today's world, there is little doubt that in 1945 the film challenged its viewing audience. There is even a fabled story that the alcohol industry was so worried about the public's reception of the film, they offered to purchase the negative and remove the film from circulation.

In the lead role, matinee idol Ray Milland gives a tour de force performance which captures the obsessive compulsion that alcoholics face. Milland's performance was so convincing that for months after the film's premiere, the press and audiences alike were convinced Milland was an alcoholic in real life and was intoxicated while shooting the film. He would go on to win a Best Actor Oscar for his performance. (The film was named Best Picture and Billy Wilder would win two Oscars--Best Director, Best Screenplay.)

The dark, gritty black and white cinematography works splendidly with the dark tones of the script. Sets littered with empty bottles and glasses were a constant reminder of Birnam's demons. The Miklos Rozsa musical score (which was the first to use an electronic instrument, the theremin) is a wildly oscillating, unnerving soundtrack that heightens the paranoia and horror of Birnam's ultimate fall. It's the stuff of horror movies.

The film succeeds in capturing the fall of a writer who loses his money, his freedom, and ultimately, his sense of reality. The two points where the film does not hold up well: its overly pat, contrived ending; and a scene that features an obviously fake bat during a bout of delirium tremens. Otherwise, it's a smart and vivid story that's told in a brilliant way. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it.

An interesting aside: Charles Jackson's novel adds one layer to the character of Don Birnam that did make it to the film version. In the book, Birnam struggles not only with his alcoholism, but his bisexuality as well.

2005-03-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

CALLER, ARE YOU THERE?
X: 'I swear to some god, I opened the door and Emeril Lagasse was standing there...
0: *laughing*
X: Look Bitch! I know you people think I have low standards.....but PLEASE...
0: *choking laughter*
X: So the whole time we were at dinner, I kept watching him. I just knew the bastard was going to scream 'BAM!' at the top of his lungs at any second. I was...
0: I don't think he does that until you sex him....
X: Fucker. You just wait until they try and fix you up with...
0: OH, NO! I have rules against that kind of activity. I don't care if they were your friends.
X&0: *giggling*
0: So, what did you do after dinner? Just, please, If you slept with him don't tell me about it. I have my own problems.
X: Nope. I didn't even drop my tongue on his zipper. Though I honestly thought about offering to wax his unibrow...I just kept thinking of him naked wearing one of those big, white chef's hats...
0: What part of his body was wearing it?
X: Look that's not funny. (*laughing*) I'm calling my cable company in the morning and demanding that they remove Food Network....
0: Front all you want. I bet you wanted to wrap his cannoli in your love...
X: You're pissing me off. I need to hang up now. I've got to go throw out every cookbook in the house...

MR. FREDDIE LJUNGBERG

THE O-SPOT

2005-03-10T05:39:00.000-07:00

IS YOUR TELEVISION GAY?
In the March 14th issue of Time magazine, James Poniewozik pens a piece entitled 'Queer Eye for Straight TV'. While it is an interesting read, afterwards I wasn't sure if I should be pleased (for lack of a better word) or offended by its premise.

Mr. Poniewozik frames an interesting argument around the fact that in November 2004, eleven states passed ballot measures banning gay marriage--establishing some sort of new moral imperative. Then, in January 2005, the Golden Globes awarded Best Comedy ('Desperate Housewives') and Best Drama ('Nip/Tuck'), both highly-successful shows concern themselves with love, sex, fidelity, and lies--among mainly heterosexual characters. Yet, both shows were created by gay men, Marc Cherry and Ryan Murphy respectively.

The article seems to point out this interesting dichotomy that in politics Americans prefer to be conservative, all the while being less than so in their entertainment choices. The ideal that gay writerslike to point out is that relationships are universal in scope and depth to involve everyday people. Yet, our society seems to be saying the exact opposite.

Poniewozik argues that for the gay writer, there is a danger in being labeled just that--a gay writer. The fact that from an economic and employment opportunity perspective this is still true in 2005 is revolting. Even with overtly gay content shows (e.g. 'Will & Grace', 'The L Word') the maxim then turns to 'write gay, cast straight'.

The article goes on to discuss specific plotlines and other writers (Alan Ball, Michael Patrick King). But the crux of Poniewozik's argument is that while straight writers could have written these hit shows--they didn't. He further posits that gay writers have taken gay sensibility beyond campy, fey stereotypes to a 'subtler sensibility'. (I think someone just got insulted?)

Here is where I have a major problem. It's back to an argument centered around 'when is gay, too gay?'. It's okay to present your gay themed story on my television, just don't do it in my neighborhood? We love the talented gay writers that create hit shows for us, just please don't be too gay? Gay writers are talented, but you have to write straight to prove it? If you do write a gay character for ~~God's~~ George W. Bush's sake make sure a straight person plays the role.

It's all so cyclical and enough to make me pull out my hair if I thought about it long enough. But, you know what? You can't just lob this one in the conservative/heterosexual column. Truth is, this twisted scale of 'gayness' is far to prevalent in the gay community (especially among gay men). Maybe if we stopped worrying about things like 'straight-acting', 'femme', 'butch' and trying to gauge one another on a heterocenterist sliding scale of masculinity, then it wouldn't really matter if the writer of a hit show was gay or straight.

Oh people, for as far as we have come, we still have much to learn...

----------
These two quotes from the above article caught my eye:

--'But if being gay makes you talented, I'm going gay.'--Stephen McPherson, ABC prime-time-entertainment president;

--'A natural conviction that difference exists but doesn't matter, that there's no such thing as normal even when a majority of people think so...'--Vitto Russo, gay film historian

2005-03-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

TIE ME UP! TIE ME DOWN!
'Even after exorcisms, some ghosts persist.
----------
My dear Geoffrey, I hope this doesn't embarrass you greatly. I originally intended to drop you an e-mail and thank you for the comment you left yesterday. But somehow, I felt I needed to share with a 'few' more people.

You see Geoffrey has a way with words. If you haven't been reading 'Fit To Be Tied', you're missing one of the finest weblogs on these here Internets. Lyrical, astute, acerbic, human--these are but a few words I can think of that describe Geoffrey's writing and thoughts. He constantly makes me think and laugh and he's never far with a kind or encouraging word. Though we've yet to cross paths in real life,(and we shall), there are those special people who you make some indefinable connection with. Geoffrey is one of those people.

(G.~~The few words you left made a huge impression on me. The truth contained in those six words is probably something I didn't want to see, but nonetheless, is there. As always, your wisdom enriches me almost as much as your friendship does. Thank you. x.)

Now, go read Geoffrey's blog. Uhm, that is after you finish reading mine.

ENTERTAINMENT TIDBITS
01. In an interesting move, Sony Pictures has pushed up it's summer blockbuster entry, the big-screen adaptation of 'Bewitched', by two weeks. Originally slated for a July 8, 2005 opening, Sony's move now pits the Kidman/Farrell film up against Warner Bros. Pictures adaptation of 'Dukes of Hazzard' and Disney's'Herbie: Fully Loaded'. June 24, 2005 is shaping up to be a big box office weekend (or at least the studios hope so).

02. Just when you thought it was safe to vacation at Camp Crystal Lake, none other than Quentin Taratino is in talks to revive the 'Friday the 13th' slasher franchise. Talks with New Line Cinema are said to be progressing in a deal that would have Tarantino writing, directing and starring in the project. Fans of the series had been speculating on a Freddy v. Jason v. Ash (from the cult series 'Evil Dead') showdown. However, New Line was not able to secure the rights to the character for owner Sam Raimi. The project is moving with a working title of 'The Ultimate Jason Voorhees Movie' and plans for Jason to face-off with other famous slashers. This would be the 12th entry in the 'Friday' series.

03. Sarah Jessica Parker will be going back to bed with HBO. Though a particular project or format has yet to be specified, Parker's Pretty Matches Productions has signed a development pact with the cable giant. Parker joins executive producer of 'Sex', Michael Patrick King back at familiar stomping grounds. King is currently at work on a series entitled 'Comeback' with Lisa Kudrow, set to premiere this summer.

04. Actress Regina King (who gave a winning performance in 'Ray' and next stars with Sandra Bullock in 'Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous') has started shooting a proposed pilot for CBS. 'The Unit' would chronicle the lives of members of an elite special forces unit under King's command. King last appeared in episodic television in the late 1980's in '227'. Set to co-star: Scott Foley and Regina Taylor.

05. Columbia Pictures long-gestating epic 'The 8th Voyage of Sinbad' has found new wind for its sail. Rob Cohen ('The Fast and Furious') is said to be close to signing on a director of the project. The director and studio are in talks with Keanu Reeves to star. A previous incarnation was attempted by director John Singleton, but it failed to go anywhere. Trivia: Sinbad's 7th Voyage hit the big screens in 1958.

06. Oscar winning actress Teresa Wright died Sunday at the age of 86. Star of over 28 films, Ms. Wright won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for her work in 'Mrs. Miniver in 1942. Wright starred in such memorable films as 'Little Foxes', 'The Pride of the Yankees' (for which she was nominated for Best Actress the same year as her win for 'Mrs. Miniver'.), 'The Men', 'The Best Years of Our Lives', 'The Rainmaker' and 'Shadow of a Doubt'.

2005-03-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

CLEARING OUT THE COBWEBS
It's funny how something as mundane as early spring cleaning can in one split-second bring your day to a standstill. Relieved to finally have made it through the last of the file drawers, you move on to the desk drawers. Amongst old receipts, ticket stubs, restaurant menus and odd paper clips, you find the slips of paper stuffed in the back of a drawer. They were saved for some reason--a reason that now escapes the realm of your imagination. On those multi-colored slips of paper, you spy the familiar swirls of handwriting in shades of seemingly fading inks. They're like whispers from the end of a dark, very long hallway. A hallway to a door bolted tightly; a door that holds the flood of memory at bay.

You find yourself rubbing the paper between your forefinger and thumb. Each bump and fiber of the paper is at once so familiar and oddly foreign. In minutes that seem like hours, your eyes focus in on the words love and that familiar name. You don't read anymore. In fact, you look away and out the window. The thunderstorms that came from nowhere are now pouring rain. You watch the drops of rain splotch against the parched sandy soil. Each giant drop is a mini-explosion, as a mixture of fine dust and water splatter back up to the sky. The rain has come to wash away the dust that films Mother Nature's glory. You spend time--hours--seated there holding the notes and watching the earth outside your window. Your mind travels to many places and times, all the while you finger the words in your hand. Without realizing, tears have run down your face. You look down and see one tear slide off your cheek and land on a piece of granite colored paper. You watch the drop spread before you crumble the papers in a wad with your hand. Just like the rain, the tears have washed away a film of dust. The door at the end of the hall has come off its hinges--but it doesn't matter anymore. The flood came and went--and you're still here.

Cleaning out drawers creates empty new space. Space to be filled with new memories. The downpour washes away the tarnish on your complacent soul. The broken strands of cobwebs are free, floating on the wind.

2005-03-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

QUICK THINGS
01. FREE MARTHA!
02. FREE SEX!
03. FREE ME!
04. LET'S ALL BE FREE!

Now that I got that out of my system, I'm glad it's Friday. It's the beginning of a new month and I'm already exhausted. I'm also randy. I just bought all four seasons of 'Oz' on DVD. I'm spending the weekend reenacting ~~prison rape fantasies~~ dramatic scenes with Tobias Beecher and Chris Keller.

Before the warden comes, two things:

--I want to send out a gigantic hug to JESS.

--If you choose to peruse the Friday E-Male (delicately concealed behind the O-SPOT below), be forewarned that: a) It contains graphic male nudity; b) I will not be responsible for eye injuries or lost limbs; and c) I wish you and your O-SPOT a terrific weekend ahead.

THE O-SPOT

2005-03-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

THURSDAY'S INTERESTING READS
01. The New York Times: Adam Nagourney & Janet Elder:
'New Poll Finds Bush Priorities Are Out of Step With Americans'
02. The New York Times: Edmund L. Andrews:
'Greenspan Says Federal Budget Deficits Are "Unsustainable"'

LGV
In late October of last year, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) began tracking cases of Lymphogranuloma Venereum (LGV) through its Division of Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention. Concern arose over an outbreak of LGV was documented in the Netherlands. The rate of infection was less than five cases per year, but as of September 2004 there were 92 documented cases among men who had sex with men.

Lymphogranuloma Venereum is a systemically sexually transmitted disease caused by a type of Chlamydia trachomatis (serovars L1, L2, L3). Symptoms of LGV include: mucous or purulent anal discharge, rectal bleeding, constipation, inguinal/femoral lymphadenopathy (buboes), genital or rectal ulcer or papule, anal spasms, and tenesmus.

In its March 2005 issue, Genre magazine reports that at least ten cases have been confirmed in San Francisco. More importantly the piece written by Sarah Albert points out that because LGV cases have been a rare occurrence, it's prone to being misdiagnosed as chlamydia--or missed completely.

In light of reports of a super-strain of HIV and potential cases of LGV, it behooves our community to once again be reminded of the importance of engaging in safer sex. As anal sex and use of shared anal toys can increase the risk of contracting LGV, condoms are a must. Gay men should also be aware of proctitis (inflammation of the anus and/or rectum), inflammation or tenderness in and around the rectum, cramping and pain during bowel movements, or blood/discharge during bowel movements. Along with these signs, LGV is prone to causing small, painless ulcerations. If you are having any of these symptoms (or a combination thereof), medical attention should be sought as soon as possible. Usual treatment involves a three-week course of the antibiotic doxycycline. If untreated, LGV will make your body more susceptible to other bloodborne infections such as HIV, hepatitis C--as well as lymph node infections and bowel strictures requiring surgical intervention. LGV has proven fatal in developing countries.

While it's not always a pleasant or easy subject to talk about in everyday conversation, being aware and educated of the risks in sexual activity--whether you are gay or straight--is critical in this day and age.

Sex is a great and beautiful thing. Sex that doesn't make you or your partner sick or endanger your lives is an even more wonderful thing.

MISCELLANEA
01. CBS's seventh edition of 'The Amazing Race' got off to a smashing start in Long Beach, California. A diverse cast including a gay male couple, a first mother/son team (the son happens to be gay as well), Rob & Amber from 'Survivor' and a pair of very friendly blonde women are assured to up the drama quotient.

02. While I applaud Kirstie Ally for using the same machine that chastised her to make her comeback, I am officially tired of seeing print and television ads touting 'Fat Actress'. Don't even get me started on the Jenny Craig spots.

03. Martha Stewart is about to be sprung and you bitches better watch it because she'll shank you.

04. Rasterbation. I love that word.

05. So I went out and bought 'Cellular' on DVD. I had to watch it twice, because the first time through all I could recall was a shirtless Chris Evans. Some blonde chick was in it....I think.

06. 'American Idol' Update: How did Jenay Castine stay in? She was hideous. On Monday's show, I swear Simon was 'under the influence'. As the competition goes forth, my favorites are quickly becoming Bo Bice, Anthony Fedorov, Carrie Underwood, Mikalah Gordon and Nadia Turner.

07. While I've purchase several cases/skins for my iPod, I'm very fond of this one. It's sleek, clear, great for an engraved or U2 iPod--and best of all it's on sale.

08. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Dude!

2005-03-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

BELIEF CREATES REALITY (OR STEREOTYPING 101)
Living in a continually changing world, we are constantly bombarded with an overwhelming amount of sensory stimulation. Interpreting and responding to each separate item of information is, frankly, beyond our human mental capabilities. However, individual survival requires that we be able to detect important changes and occurrences in our environments, make reasonably accurate predictions about how they will affect us, and behave accordingly. Consequently, we use a variety of strategies for judging the importance of information and for integrating it with our past experiences. These strategies--and our individual ability to manage them--enable us to perceive the world as reasonably stable, fairly predictable, and generally manageable.

One of the most basic of strategies is 'categorization'. Categorization is a mental process whereby we associate or 'clump' different objects (including people)according to some characteristic that they all share. Once an object is grouped with others, we have available a considerable amount of information about it by simply recalling the defining features of the category. For example, trying to remember the individual characteristics of 25 different objects in a room is impossible for most people; but if 20 of those objects fit the category of 'chair' and the remaining 5 fit the category of 'table', the memory task suddenly becomes fairly simple. Unfortunately when categorization is applied to people, the consequence often is a stereotype.

Stereotypes result when we: (1) categorize people into groups on the basis of some characteristic; (2) attribute additional characteristics to that category; (3) then attribute those other characteristics individually to all of the group's members.
Whereas a categorization is based on features that actually define the group (for example, belief that all gay people have a primary sexual or romantic attraction to others of their own sex), a stereotype involves characteristics that are unrelated to the criteria for group membership (for example, the belief that all gay men are effeminate or that all lesbians hate men).

Heterosexuals often notice only those characteristics that are congruent with their stereotypes about gay people (selective perception), fail to recall incongruent characteristics retrospectively (selective recall), and use the content of stereotypes as the basis for illusory correlations. It should be noted that characterization and stereotype are frequently (and unfairly) applied by the LGBT community to the heterosexual community as a whole to form selective perceptions. Each group is guilty of such narrowness.

Characterization and stereotype have been empirically proven to have a leeching effect. People often perceive the world selectively, attending to information that supports their stereotypes and ignoring information that contradicts them (see the works of Alan Gross and his colleagues Green, Storck, & Vanyur).

An interesting example of this phenomenon can be found in studies done by Snyder and Uranowitz. Their work shows that stereotypical beliefs not only distort perceptions of current interactions; they can also affect an individual's memory of past events. Snyder and Uranowitz provided undergraduates with a 750-word life history of a woman named 'Betty K.' After reading the file, some students were told that Betty later became involved in a lesbian relationship and went on to a satisfying career as a physician living with her female lover. Other students learned that Betty married and went on to a satisfying career as a physician living with her (male) husband. On subsequent factual questions, students tended to remember events that fit with their subsequent knowledge of Betty's sexual orientation. Those who learned that Betty became a lesbian tended to remember that she did not have a steady boyfriend in high school, for example, whereas students who learned that she married heterosexually recalled that she dated boys despite such details being omitted from the provided history.

That leads to the concept of 'illusory correlation', which I hope to cover in the near future.

ISSUE NO.2 HITS THE CYBER-NEWSSTAND

The second issue of the underground webzine Subter.com (click on banner above to visit site) is now live. The site had been down for a server changeover, but it's back to business with a fresh issue. I'm really proud to be associated with the wonderful people--writers and artistes--who help to breathe life into Subter.com. My film column, Nitrocellulose & Camphor debuts a new rating system for upcoming March 2005 film releases.

Spend some time digging through the issue. It's like finding buried treasures at each turn of the page.

2005-02-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

OSCAR 2005 NOTECARD

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE PRESENTER:
Prince
BEST HAIR EXPLOSION:
(Tie) Sean Penn/Adam Duritz
BEST ARGUMENT FOR CORPORAL PUNISHMENT:
Jamie Foxx
BEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH:
Jamie Foxx
BEST SUBVERSIVE MOMENT:
Robin William's white tape
BEST 'YES, IT'S FUCKING POLITICAL' MOMENT:
Chris Rock's The Gap v. Banana Republic
BEST IMPERSONATION OF A DRUNK:
Dustin Hoffman
BEST 'DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB' MOMENT:
Antonio Bandera's singing career
BEST 'LET'S SHOW EVERY WORKING HISPANIC IN HOLLYWOOD' MOMENT:
Best Original Song Winner Jorge Drexler's crooned acceptance
BEST AD-LIBBED LINE:
Jeremy Iron's 'I hope they missed' (after a muffled bang interrupted his speech)
BEST LONG-OVERDUE WIN:
Morgan Freeman
BEST FASHION FAUX-PAS:
(Tie) Laura Linney's hair-don't & Gwyneth Paltrow's cinched balloon gown
BEST DRESSED FEMALE:
Charlize Theron
BEST IMPERSONATION OF COLONEL SANDERS:
Johnny Depp
BEST CGI MAKEUP:
Renée Zellweger

Overall, I was pleased to see 'Million Dollar Baby' undercut the press hype for 'The Aviator'. 'Baby' had gravitas and stunning performances buttressed by quiet, striking direction. 'The Aviator' went for overblown epic and had its moments. I just kept waiting for DiCaprio to yell 'I'm king of the world'. Chris Rock was at turns funny and insulting. The decision to spread the awards all around the Kodak Theatre--along with nominees--was a spectacular failure. Please keep Adam Sandler off award show stages. The cut-away shots to African Americans during Jamie Foxx's win and Hispanics during Jorge Drexler's win were insulting. I still say two of the best movies of the year received short-shrift from the Academy: 'Bad Education' & 'Closer'.

2005-02-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

THE REMARKABLE PETER SARSGAARD

A newly shorn Peter Sarsgaard appears as the coverstory in the March 1, 2005 issue of The Advocate (#933). In an interesting and well-written profile entitled 'Sex and the Kinsey Guy', Adam B. Vary takes a look at Sarsgaard's work in the controversial film 'Kinsey'. As the article points out, many felt that the subject matter of the film kept the film from being recognized by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. Writer/Director Bill Condon, actors Liam Neesen and Sarsgaard were all snubbed by the Academy.

Peter Sarsgaard has always been a personal favorite of mine. He takes risks with the roles he chooses and gives complex and nuanced performances in films like 'Boys Don't Cry', 'Dead Man Walking', 'The Center of the World' and 'The Dying Gaul'. Beyond his acting capabilities, he's always given cerebral and intriguing interviews. He is certainly not one afraid to speak his mind. Among some of the more interesting observations in the article:

--on being nude in 'Kinsey':
'It makes so much sense that I would not only be nude but just be nude a second too long. It doesn't mean I'm hitting on him, but if I just do it a second too long, I can check and see [if Kinsey is interested]. I liked that it would have a dramatic meaning, that it would be active nudity.'

--on same-sex love scenes:
'You just look for qualities that are attractive in [your on screen partner], and Liam has a lot of attractive qualities. Kissing is kissing.'

--on his character's bisexuality:
'The question is, At what point are you supposed to nail it down? I hear people say that all the time, straight and gay. If we decide, "Oh, you should really have [your sexuality] nailed down by your 30s," doesn't that seem arbitrary? Isn't it all just arbitrary, then? Can't you have searched your whole life and never figured it out? If we lived in a world where there weren't these ideas about what it means to be straight and gay, if we were all just free and open, then it seems like it would be easier. But, I'm not sure that exists.'

--on sexuality:
'I think sex is a very big issue that's tied in with so many different things. It's not just that I'm obsessed with sex, like I want to hump everything. I guess I've always been trying to understand it, not in terms of even heterosexual/homosexual, [but] what is this charged situation that we always live in? For me, it's every day--the everyday drama that's happening all the time.'

--on straight actors playing gay roles:
'Wouldn't the more interesting thing be for an actor who is actually gay to be allowed to play the role? I mean, great, we've come this far. We have me, Colin Farrell, Jake Gyllenhaal--all these people playing these roles. Cool. Now, can you imagine a world where gay actors, out gay actors, were playing these roles in these very interesting movies? Sure, we've moved an inch...'

2005-02-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

CONGREGATIO DE PROPAGANDA FIDE

This delightful advertisement was part of a media campaign initiated by a heinous organization called USA Next. USA Next purports to represent senior citizens in 'building a legacy of freedom for America's families'. This advertisement was part of a mass e-mail campaign sent out earlier this week by the organization. It would have eventually led to a page decrying the activities and lobbying of the AARP as being against military spending and in favor of gay marriage. How exactly the two are interconnected escapes me.

Due to a flood of complaints, the particular page was taken down. There are, however, many more pages attacking the AARP on their website if you can stomach them. It's nice to know in these times of a kinder, gentler America the conservative right have nothing better to do than scare the elderly with those horrible gay people. God Bless President Bush.

After a bit of digging, I found out that USA Next intended to send out postcards using a similar image. The cards were printed. Whether they'll be mailed seems to be the question of the day.

THE SUNNIER SIDE OF THE STREET

The ad above is part of a terrific new campaign by PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Under the banner 'Stay Close', the ad campaign uses celebrities and their gay family members to stress the importance of family and acceptance. Joining Ben Affleck in these colorful and loving ads are Cyndi Lauper, Christina Saralegui, Barbara Cook, Congressman Gregory Meeks and Congressman & Mrs. Richard Gephardt. Stay Close, indeed.

BILLY CURRINGTON LIKES IT SLOW & LONG

I could comment, but really...

2005-02-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

RANDOM SYNAPTIC FIRING
01. There's a terrific remembrance of the talented photographer Fernando Bengoechea (who perished in the Indonesian tsunami) in the March 2005 issue of Elle Decor. Editor Margaret Russell lovingly recalls Bengoechea and his work, as well as his relationship with interior designer Nate Berkus.

02. I mentioned this before but after last night, the producers of 'American Idol' need to automatically disqualify any contestant who goes within ten feet of the Stevie Wonder songbook. That said, the first night for the men was not the best. There were bright spots, but most seemed to suffer from poor song selection and/or first night jitters. The four that most impressed me were: Bo Bice, Anthony Federov, Joseph Murena and Constantine Maroulis. The women take the stage tonight.

03. Fans of The Killers, check out the 'Mr. Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix) available on iTunes.

04. Speaking of music, dance fans should check out the eponymous debut of LCD Soundsystem and 'From Paris to Berlin' by Infernal.

05. This just in from our Moscow Bureau: The Newton's Law pregnancy is no longer a secret. Something tells me more than just the apple is going to hit the fan. Details as events warrant.

06. I'm having this internal discourse about what constitutes the difference between something that 'turns you on' and a 'fetish'. I think I have a problem with the definition of a 'fetish'.

07. Suit & Tie. (see #06)

08. I'm continuing to have strange naked dreams about a fellow blogger. The thing is, I'm not sure I want them to stop. Is there such a thing as 'dream stalking'?

09. Sometimes I think this stream of consciousness blogging is dangerous.

2005-02-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

NEWTON'S LAW IN APPLICATION
Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.

True story.

Your sitting on the patio of an upscale restaurant enjoying a lovely lunch on a surprisingly warm day. You lift your margarita glass and savor the succulent mixture of sour and salt. At about the exact moment you swallow, your lunch partner (female) drops the following bomb.

'I'm pregnant.'

You think, 'Well, we can rule me out as the father.'

You say, 'Uhm...Congratulations!'

She says, 'It's __________'s baby.'

You think: 'What the hell did she just say?'

You say, 'Uhm...He's gay...and...uh...'

She say's, 'Do you think __________'s partner is going to be upset?'

You think: 'I'm on one of those hidden camera shows aren't I? This can't possibly be happening? Why the hell is she telling me this? I'd rather be watching Meryl Streep and Liev Schreiber in their Oedipus Rex scene in 'The Manchurian Candidate'. I need to go buy shoes. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I really need a new pair of shoes. More than one pair.'

You say, 'Uh...Excuse me, I have to go to the restroom.'

It's Monday afternoon and your still in the restroom praying she's gone by now.

2005-02-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST
It seems my esteemed ISP decided to have a nervous breakdown yesterday. With little or no access to cyberspace, I was left with a disturbing realization. Too many thing in my daily life require internet access. I'm afraid that I've become prisoner of the Electronic Age. Dealing with banks, package tracking, music buying, shopping, research, human interaction, e-mail--it's all become a gigantic flow of zeros and ones. With this electronic convenience comes the chains of some hideous internet god/monster-like creature that determines whether you'll be allowed access to the information highway at any given second. I am a slave to the machine. Damn you, god/monster!

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY EVillMom!

To a remarkable and beautiful woman (who gave the world a 'colorful' son), I wish you the Happiest Birthday a girl could ever have. Ms. Sandy, may your day be filled with love and surprises. From all the Ladies Who Lunch, XOXO

THE NEW YORK TIMES EDITORIAL
A Must-Read: 'Risky Sex Is Back'

FREE ASSOCIATION
01. Holy Mel Gibson! Bravo has perfected the art of a 'reality' television cast reunions. The little soiree of booted contestants and the final three on 'Project Runway' was pure, unfettered DRAMA. Spilled wine, flexed claws, Austin Scarlett as George Washington's gay nephew, drunken film clips--it was enough to make me purr like a kitty lapping at a bowl of cream. For those of you that missed the series, Bravo will replay the entire season this Sunday before the winner is announced next week.

02. Songs that I just never tire of hearing: 'Ain't Nobody'--Rufus & Chaka Khan; 'Wuthering Heights'--Pat Benatar; 'Careless Whisper'--Wham!; 'In The Air Tonight'--Phil Collins; 'Big In Japan'--Alphaville; 'Take Your Time (Do It Right)'--S.O.S. Band; 'I'm Leavin''--Lisa Stansfield;

03. Nothing against the artist, but Stevie Wonder songs should be banned from 'American Idol'.

04. Speaking of AI, my early favorites are: Mikalah Gordon, Carrie Underwood, Nadia Turner, Mario Vazquez, Anthony Fedorov and Constantine Maroulis.

05. Apparently there is a tabloid story making rounds that the new bride of a certain 'I'm not gay' athlete had a little 'Anne Heche Moment' in her past life. Okay, maybe not so little.

06. I (misguidedly) watched President Bush's press conference yesterday on CNN. Shouldn't one of the requirements of attaining the presidency in this country be the ability to complete a sentence in any kind of language?

07. Shohreh Aghdashloo has to be one of the most beautiful women in the world.

08. The Killers are currently rocking my world.

FRIDAY E-MALE
(*click for full image: warning contains partial nudity*)

WORDS FOR THE WISE
'The Circumstances of the world are continually changing, and the opinions of men also; and as Government is for the living, and not for the dead, it is the living only that has any right in it. That which may be thought right and found convenient in one age may be thought wrong and inconvenient in another. In such cases, Who is to decide, the living or the dead?'

---Thomas Paine, from Rights of Man

2005-02-16T05:03:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY MUST-READ
The New York Times: Nicholas D. Kristof:
'Bush's Sex Scandal'

IT'S THE SMALL THINGS...

that remind you of the beauty around you:
the masterful art that is a blossom...
the delicate architecture that holds a bloom together...
the radiant color of a petal...
the velvet touch that tickles your nose...
the vibrant aroma of nature...

Sometimes, you do have to stop and smell the flowers.

2005-02-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

HISTORY REPEATING
'The word is about, there's something evolving,
whatever may come, the world keeps revolving
They say the next big thing is here,
that the revolution's near,
but to me it seems quite clear
that it's all just a little bit of history repeating

The newspapers shout a new style is growing,
but it don't know if it's coming or going,
there is fashion, there is fad
some is good, some is bad
and the joke is rather sad,
that it's all just a little bit of history repeating

Some people don't dance, if they don't know who's singing,
why ask your head, it's your hips that are swinging
life's for us to enjoy
woman, man, girl and boy,
feel the pain, feel the joy
aside set the little bits of history repeating'
---from 'History Repeating' by Propellerheads

MUST-READ: The New York Times: Andrew Jacobs:
'Gays Debate Radical Steps to Curb Unsafe Sex'
----------
I've been watching and reading everything I can get my hands on regarding this specific case of a drug-resistant strain of HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus). The data is troubling, but the ramifications are far-reaching and potentially disastrous.

In my group of friends and acquaintances, the story of this NYC man has created an interesting (and unfortunate divide). I fear that it merely echoes the opinions in the larger, respective LGBT communities. There is one camp that clearly sees this case as an early warning that requires a new and concerted effort to re-educate the public on the need for safer-sex, risks, prevention and treatment. The contrary camp see much ado about nothing and feels that this new outcry is a politically-motivated and continuing spread of conservative discrimination against LGBT individuals.

I, myself, see the urgent need for my community--gay/bisexual men--to wake up. The fact that superviruses exist is scientific fact. The continual search for antibiotics is driven by the fact that eventually most viral strains will build a resistance to the prescribed therapies. Advances in medicine--specifically in the diagnosis and treatment of HIV/AIDS--have thankfully led to healthier lives and increased life spans. Yet, I fear that complacency has become the new virus in the LGBT community.

It is not my position to preach or advocate life choices. I have beliefs and knowledge that guide my choices and decisions regarding sexual activity. Frankly, those are choices that each individual must make. The same goes for those who choose to use crystal methamphetamine or other substances. However, the choices you make do not mitigate your responsibility to--or for--the person you have sex with. For the most part, sexual activity involves at least two people. As trite as it may sound, you have the right to gamble with your life and health; You do not have the right to jeopardize others with your risk choices. It goes without saying, this is a two-way street.

The argument still exists that safer-sex is not needed in monogamous relationships. This may or may not be true--but it is certainly a decision not to be made lightly by the individuals involved in any relationship. Having been in two long-term relationships lasting several years, I can only say that they ended because of infidelity. Monogamy is an ideal I aspire to. Unfortunately, my partners abused any trust I placed in them on that count. I can only say that safer-sex has kept me healthy.

More than anything, I urge you whether you are heterosexual, homosexual or otherwise to educate yourself. Make informed decisions about love, sex and drugs. Use condoms. Play safer.

Ultimately, your decisions and actions are about choices of life and death.